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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Competition
Use synonyms
, one of the direct methods to evaluate
people
Use synonyms
's performance, frequently
happened
Wrong verb form
happens
show examples
 in our daily life
such
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 as at work and at school.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
competition
Use synonyms
 is an essential demand, others argue that
people
Use synonyms
 should try to cooperate
instead
Linking Words
 of competing against each other. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on both views with examples below. On the one hand,
competition
Use synonyms
 is an effective way to stimulate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals' potential.
For example
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, if companies establish
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 promotion system which depends on performance, the employees might put their excessive efforts to work in order to acquire a better life career.
In addition
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 to
this
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, the employees would
also
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 get a sense of achievement
while
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 reaching the goal which was impossible to succeed in the past.
Thus
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, creating a competitive environment will lead to employees having better performance at work.
On the other hand
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, it is undeniable that
people
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 can cultivate the capability of teamwork and communication skills
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 cooperation.
For instance
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, if group presentation is a mandatory task to pass the final exam at school, pupils must learn the importance of teamwork. Not only can they exchange creative thoughts by brainstorming through discussions, but can
also
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 train
the
Change the word
their
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 communication skills
while
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 expressing perspectives to others.
Therefore
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, students truly can enhance both their expressive ability and interpersonal networks. In conclusion,
while
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competition
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 helps
people
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 to explore their potential capability, it is
also
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 crucial to learn how to cooperate with others in case of improving communication skills. Only if individuals strike a harmonious balance between
competition
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 and cooperation can they become
a well-rounded individuals
Correct the article-noun agreement
well-rounded individuals
a well-rounded individual
show examples
 in the future.

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task achievement
Clarify the overall argument in the introduction and conclusion to strengthen the connection to your opinion. This will help reinforce the main points discussed in the body.
coherence and cohesion
Work on transitional phrases between ideas and paragraphs to enhance flow and connection. This will contribute to a more cohesive argument.
task achievement
While examples are provided, consider a more detailed exploration of each point with additional examples or elaboration. This adds depth and supports understanding.
content
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views, which is effective in addressing the task.
content
Good use of examples to illustrate points related to both competition and cooperation.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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