IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Advertising that targets children should be banned from our televisions. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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These days, more and more televisions are broadcasting commercials targeting children. Some people believe that TV programs which air child-targeted advertisements should be prohibited. I completely agree with
this
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 view, and in
this
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 essay, I will support my opinion with examples.
Firstly
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, advertising unhealthy food and drinks with high levels of fat and sugar contributes to childhood obesity.
For example
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, in the UK, many juveniles visit doctors
due to
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 poor dietary choices influenced by advertisements of sugary drinks and processed snacks on TV.
In other words
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, consuming
such
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 foods is similar to being harmed by products that are detrimental to health. Another reason I agree that child-targeted advertisements should be banned is that little ones often pester their parents to buy the items they see advertised on TV and social media. Take lower-income families as an example: they often struggle to afford these items, but may still try to find the money, sometimes going into debt, to make their kids happy. I strongly believe that the quality of advertised products should be higher, and the prices must be reasonable.
Moreover
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, products should be guaranteed and truly beneficial to consumers.
On the other hand
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, some argue that commercials targeted at minors can help improve future marketing by inspiring young adults to become entrepreneurs.
For instance
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, in the USA, many young individuals are motivated to pursue business ventures because they are inspired by the companies that advertise their merchandise to youth. In conclusion,
although
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 there is a common belief that commercials aimed at young humans should be banned, I believe
this
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 will ultimately benefit our society and lead to a future where responsible marketing practices and successful entrepreneurs emerge.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your body paragraphs have a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point of the paragraph. This will help improve the logical structure and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
While your arguments are clear, consider expanding on the implications or potential counterarguments to strengthen your overall argument further. This will enhance the depth of your essay.
task achievement
You have a clear position throughout the essay, and your points are generally well-supported with examples.
coherence and cohesion
The progression of ideas is coherent and easy to follow, with a well-structured introduction and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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