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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

MamadjonovSamandar: Topic: Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. Task: what are the advantages and disadvantages of children playing computer games?

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Numerous physicians are worried about the significant use of
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 by kids and youth.
This
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 essay will discuss both
merits
Correct article usage
the merits
show examples
 and demerits of
this
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 statement. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, individuals
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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engaged
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 advantages.
Firstly
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,
games
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plays
Change the verb form
play
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 a significant role in
children
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's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. Which develops both mental and physical relief.
For example
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, nowadays the syllabus
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 vast so studying a large number of subjects becoming
burden
Add an article
a burden
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 and
struggle
Correct article usage
a struggle
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 for them to manage.
Therefore
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,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 act as a role of stress buster.
Secondly
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,
games
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promotes
Change the verb form
promote
show examples
 concentration, determination and
triumphing
Correct article usage
a triumphing
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 mindset. These characteristics
also
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 improve personal, career and academic growth.
Moreover
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, the development of technology surged higher, it leads to
computer
Use synonyms
games
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 as a source of income. A significant number of
children
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 buy
playstation
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
create a YouTube channel and upload their gaming stream.
Also
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, a considerable amount of firms and media
offers
Correct subject-verb agreement
offer
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 and income per
hours
Fix the agreement mistake
hour
show examples
due to
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 the higher demand of creators.
Finally
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, gamers
such
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 as 'ishowspeed' become
celebrity
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrities
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 based on
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 gaming
stream
Fix the agreement mistake
streams
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 or live sessions.
On the other hand
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, playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 has demerits. The major disadvantage is,
games
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 are
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time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
 process so toddlers utilize higher screen
time
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,
as a result
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,
a
Add a missing verb
has a
show examples
negative impact on eye vision at an early stage.
Also
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,
children
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 prioritise fun
entertainments
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entertainment
show examples
instead
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 of study and physical
games
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.
For instance
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, outdoor
games
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 boost knowledge about everything.
Such
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 as creatures, nature and
also
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 improve the behaviour. Physical activity promotes health benefits.
Moreover
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,
games
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 and social media cause instant addiction so they pay their attention only
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 these activities. It leads them to an
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
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 person and
enjoying
Wrong verb form
enjoy
show examples
 their own company.
To conclude
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, playing
computer
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games
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 beneficial for
children
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 to reduce stress.
However
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, parents should create a
time
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 schedule and limit to use
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Change preposition
of this
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this entertainments
Change the determiner
this entertainment
these entertainments
show examples
.
Also
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, game addiction creates laziness and
avoid
Correct subject-verb agreement
avoids
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 other physical activities and spending quality
time
Use synonyms
 with family and friends.

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task achievement
Improve your introduction to clearly state the advantages and disadvantages, rather than only indicating that both will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader and better indicate the main point of each section.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be simplified for better clarity. For example, 'this statement' at the end of your introduction could be more directly tied back to the topic of advantages and disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Try to combine ideas into more complex sentences to improve the flow and sophistication of your writing.
task achievement
In your conclusion, emphasize the balance between gaming and other activities more strongly to provide a more nuanced perspective.
task achievement
You've provided a range of points discussing both advantages and disadvantages, which shows balanced consideration of the topic.
task achievement
Some points, such as the potential for income through gaming, are relevant and interesting examples that enhance your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • hand-eye coordination
  • mental agility
  • critical thinking
  • educational purposes
  • interactive learning
  • multiplayer games
  • teamwork
  • communication skills
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • repetitive strain injuries
  • mental health
  • addiction
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • social withdrawal
  • academic performance
  • family relationships
  • inappropriate content
  • behavioral effects
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