IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Wealth doesnot necessarily guarantee happiness. To what extent do you agree

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In today’s world, most
of
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apply
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the
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apply
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people
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 are developing a profound obsession
over
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with
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 materialistic goods and
wealth
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.
But
Correct word choice
However
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 having
wealth
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 does not provide ultimate happiness. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I shall discuss how
wealth
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 is not enough to lead a happy and prosperous
life
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.
To begin
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 with,
wealth
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 is a materialistic thing and is never enough for a person no matter how much they have, which results in yearning for more and more. That ultimately leads to a
sense
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 of unhealthy competition and improper family time. Rich
people
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, in order to maintain their superficial status, tend to go to fancy restaurants,
lead
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and lead
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 lavish lifestyles, but
this
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 rather imposes a greedy and unsatisfied
sense
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 of self
instead
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 of a happy and fulfilling
life
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.
For instance
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, world-class business tycoon Mukesh Ambani has almost led his brother Anil Ambani to an almost bankrupt state despite being a billionaire once,
due to
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 unhealthy competition between them.
On the contrary
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, for some
people
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, happiness is not the number of digits in the bank or superficial things;
instead
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, it’s gratefulness and the ability to enjoy
life
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 calmly, patiently, and more peacefully.
For instance
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, an individual being able to take a pause in
life
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 whenever they feel detached in order to experience an elated
sense
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 of self is probably the most beautiful feeling in the world, which is a mere dream to an individual who is fully drenched in the grandiosity of
wealth
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.
Moreover
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, doing things like painting, nature therapy, singing, playing with kids and animals,
taking
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and taking
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 beautiful shots during sunsets provide
people
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 with indispensable satisfaction. In summation,
wealth
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 rather blinds
up
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apply
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an individual
with
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to
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 the grandiosity of
wealth
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 and will detach the individual from the true
sense
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 of self. But humans are rather utterly satisfied with the little things of
life
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.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument on the topic but could benefit from a more in-depth exploration of the opposing viewpoint. Consider integrating a counterpoint to strengthen your analysis.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance your use of linking words and phrases to create a smoother flow between ideas. More varied transitions can improve the overall coherence of your writing.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, consider providing more concrete examples or statistics to support your claims. This will help to solidify your arguments and enhance your discussion.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the topic and shows a clear stance against the notion that wealth guarantees happiness.
coherence and cohesion
You have included some interesting examples to illustrate your points, which helps to engage the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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