IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, in some countries, an increasing number of young adults are choosing to spend their whole weekend inside their own homes Why do you think this is happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

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From my perspective, there are many reasons for
this
Linking Words
phenonmenon
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 but it is not a totally recommended option to stay
indoor
Correct your spelling
indoors
show examples
 throughout the whole weekend.
One
Correct your spelling
On
show examples
 the one hand, the first
reasonale
Correct your spelling
reasonable
reason
 should be that, after a week of studying or working, they are in need of some
time
Use synonyms
 to replenish themselves.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, these youngsters spend a large proportion of
leisure
Correct pronoun usage
their leisure
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile phones or computer games which consume their
time
Use synonyms
 without being noticed.
As a result
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,
besides
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
 wasted, their eyesight can possibly be impaired and obesity can
also
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a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
haunting headache for those stationed for
prolong
Wrong verb form
prolonged
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time
Use synonyms
. What is more, going out themselves or with friends could be very costly as daily living
expense
Fix the agreement mistake
expenses
show examples
soaring up
Wrong verb form
soar
show examples
 at an astonishing rate which could be a financial burden. The
above mentioned
Add a hyphen
above-mentioned
show examples
 factors mainly contribute to their reluctance to step out of their rooms. Personally, I don't
thinkg
Correct your spelling
think
 it is
benifitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for
such
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 energetic people to shelter themselves from the wonderful world where they could have experienced
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
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 life, greatly enhancing
emotional
Correct pronoun usage
their emotional
show examples
 quality.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, to facilitate personal development, persons at
such
Linking Words
 age could leave their
confort
Correct your spelling
comfort
 zone instantly and participate in outdoor physical exercise to strengthen health. If not, their health indicators,
such
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 as
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
, can send signals of alarm.
Then
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, not meeting relatives and close friends for a long period could
also
Linking Words
 result in
reduction
Add an article
a reduction
the reduction
show examples
 of interpersonal communication skills.
Instead
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, keeping more intimate
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 could be of significance because personal interaction could
also
Linking Words
 maintain psychological balance and mental peace. How necessary it is to
stepping
Change the verb
step
show examples
 out of
room
Correct article usage
the room
show examples
! In conclusion,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
prefer
Change the verb form
prefers
show examples
 to keep
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
 indoors at
weekend
Correct article usage
the weekend
show examples
because of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 rest,
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 games and avoidance of living
expense
Fix the agreement mistake
expenses
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, it is of no
benifit
Correct your spelling
benefit
 to remain in
room
Add an article
the room
a room
show examples
 because they lose the opportunities to do exercise and make friends.

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task achievement
Ensure that your points are clearly articulated and supported with more detailed examples to enhance clarity and depth.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between your paragraphs, ensuring that each section of your essay is directly related to your thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to spelling and grammar errors, as these can distract from your overall message and may impact the reader’s comprehension.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the issue, discussing reasons for staying indoors as well as the potential negative impacts of such behavior.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively sums up your arguments, providing a clear stance on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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