IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Most modern family have both parents working and as a result children spend less and less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problem can this cause?

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There is no denying the fact that many
families
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 in
this
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 day and age have both
parents
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 working.
This
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development
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have
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has
show examples
 led to many youngsters
unable
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being unable
show examples
 to spend quality
time
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 and interact with their
families
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.
While
Linking Words
 there are many reasons for
this
Linking Words
 mainly the high
cost
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 of living, there have been many causes that
comes
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come
show examples
 with
this
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issues
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issue
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
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essay,
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 I will be
dicussing
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discussing
 the reasons and causes for these issues. To start with, the most prominent reason is the high
cost
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 of living. Life
have
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has
show examples
 dramatically changed with the
raise
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rise
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 of the
industrial revolution
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Industrial Revolution
show examples
. Many
families
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 would not be able to survive with a
single parent
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single-parent
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 income.
For instance
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, many jobs
where
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were
show examples
introducduced
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introduced
 for women in various sectors like packaging and cleaning industries.
This
Linking Words
 happened to ease the burden on
families
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 with minimal wages and rather encourage them to enhance
a
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apply
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better life quality. The more the work available to the community the more prepared
people
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 are to the increased
cost
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 of life expenses.
Interms
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In terms
 of the causes, there are mainly two important contributors to
this
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 problem:
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development
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the development
show examples
 of anti-social habits and overdependence on
gadages
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garages
gadgets
 to
compenate
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compensate
this
Linking Words
time
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 with.
Firstly
Linking Words
, as
children
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 develop the presence of their
parents
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 is essential in their
upbring
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upbringing
show examples
.
Children
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 learn by observing their
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parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 ways of handling things around the house.
For example
Linking Words
, many elementary school
children
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 are found to speak and write in the same manner as their
parents
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does
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do
show examples
.
This
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extents
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extends
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 to how their
parents
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 communicate with other
people
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 and even
neigbours
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neighbours
 and others within their community. So the less
time
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parents
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 spend
time
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 with their
children
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 the less social skills the child gets to learn
makiing
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making
 them unaware of social interactions with
people
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 around them.
Secondly
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, the
time
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spend
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spent
show examples
 away from their
parents
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 is usually compensated by playing online games or even
spends
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 hours on social media platforms where many different types of
people
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 are found. They become overdependent and rather trust the different trends on social media that might actually have a
deterimental
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detrimental
 effect on their behaviour and contact later in
time
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. Many cases of depression have been reported among
children
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 in elementary school which could be easily corrected by encouraging
children
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 to
incooporate
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incorporate
 in more outdoor activities that
helps
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help
show examples
 in their physical and cognitive
development
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. In conclusion, the high
cost
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 of living is the main reason for
families
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 to spend less
time
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 together. And
this
Linking Words
consequently
Linking Words
 leads to issues in
children
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 that can cause
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development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of anti-social habits and overdependence on
gadages
Correct your spelling
garages
gadgets
 to
compenate
Correct your spelling
compensate
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
time
Use synonyms
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 away from their
parents
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
The essay presents relevant ideas but could have more clearly defined arguments and supporting evidence. Ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses the question and fully develops the ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and revise sentences for clarity. For instance, use "have led" instead of "have led to"; also revise for consistent verb tenses.
coherence and cohesion
Improve transitions between ideas to enhance the flow of your argument. Using linking phrases can help guide the reader more smoothly through your points.
task achievement
The introduction clearly identifies the main issue and outlines the direction of the essay. The acknowledgment of both reasons and consequences is commendable.
task achievement
Some relevant examples are used to illustrate points, which helps to support the arguments presented.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • dual incomes
  • long hours
  • childcare
  • cultural shifts
  • career advancement
  • professional development
  • work-life balance
  • 24/7 work culture
  • technological advancements
  • sacrificing
  • emotional development
  • social skills
  • family bonding
  • mental health impacts
  • parenting challenges
What to do next:
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