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Writing Samples
Band 7

Ordinary people try to copy famous personalities by seeing them on TV and reading them on newspaper. What is the reason? Is it a good or bad idea .

In
this
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 contemporary epoch, Numerous individuals strive to imitate prominent characters by constantly watching them on social networking sites or reading about them in magazines. The prime factor behind
this
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 is to gain enormous fame, and success through social media and materialistic things in the time ahead. I will explicitly explain whether it is a good or bad idea in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, globalising technology has brought thousands of opportunities and freedom to people's lives. People, with the means of social media, can access whatever they want to attain or be in life, thereby getting influenced by these so-called celebrities to some extent and would like to be one of them.
Moreover
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, many end up chasing role models in order to have the attention, affection and success the way their role models get in their real lives.
For instance
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, a girl from the United States tried to imitate a self-made billionaire Kylie Jenner
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by completely changing from make-up, and hairstyle to dress-up which she later on went viral and gained popularity for a
while
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. Henceforth, fame and attention often make them feel more like a main character to some extent.
Furthermore
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, hankering after the materialistic world has been commonplace. They actually want to attain valuable assets, secure and live a luxurious lifestyle.
Although
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 chasing renowned celebrities seems to be cool and extraordinary to some crowds it eventually denigrates their mental and emotional well-being, leading them to serious conditions called depression and anxiety disorder.
For example
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, In 2017, An Iranian girl wanted to look exactly like her celebrity crush Angelina Jolie and had undergone multiple surgical procedures on her face which in turn got botched and completely destroyed her natural face.
Thus
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, obsession certainly leads to a horrible situation in life and it is better to just be ourselves rather than copying others.
To conclude
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, after all the aforementioned reasons, there is no doubt that several populations are following affluent personalities just to achieve fame and success and have materialistic things in life. I believe
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 it has drastically damaged people's mental and emotional health.

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Task Achievement
In terms of Task Response, ensure that the introduction explicitly addresses the question presented and that the conclusion clearly sums up your stance and the main points made. While your essay does this well, further clarification or a restatement of the topic in the introduction can enhance understanding immediately.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, your essay benefits from a logical ordering of ideas and well-structured paragraphs. To improve, consider varying your transition words and phrases for smoother flow between ideas. Additionally, ensure that paragraphs are unified around a single idea, with clear topic sentences that orient the reader.
Task Achievement
In places, the essay tends to state ideas rather than fully elaborate or analyze them. Engaging more deeply with the implications of your examples could strengthen your argument. For instance, discussing the societal pressures that fuel the desire to emulate celebrities could add depth.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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