IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Ordinary people try to copy famous personalities by seeing them on TV and reading them on newspaper. What is the reason? Is it a good or bad idea .

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary epoch, Numerous individuals strive to imitate prominent characters by constantly watching them on social networking sites or reading about them in magazines. The prime factor behind
this
Linking Words
 is to gain enormous fame, and success through social media and materialistic things in the time ahead. I will explicitly explain whether it is a good or bad idea in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, globalising technology has brought thousands of opportunities and freedom to people's lives. People, with the means of social media, can access whatever they want to attain or be in life, thereby getting influenced by these so-called celebrities to some extent and would like to be one of them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many end up chasing role models in order to have the attention, affection and success the way their role models get in their real lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, a girl from the United States tried to imitate a self-made billionaire Kylie Jenner
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
by completely changing from make-up, and hairstyle to dress-up which she later on went viral and gained popularity for a
while
Linking Words
. Henceforth, fame and attention often make them feel more like a main character to some extent.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, hankering after the materialistic world has been commonplace. They actually want to attain valuable assets, secure and live a luxurious lifestyle.
Although
Linking Words
 chasing renowned celebrities seems to be cool and extraordinary to some crowds it eventually denigrates their mental and emotional well-being, leading them to serious conditions called depression and anxiety disorder.
For example
Linking Words
, In 2017, An Iranian girl wanted to look exactly like her celebrity crush Angelina Jolie and had undergone multiple surgical procedures on her face which in turn got botched and completely destroyed her natural face.
Thus
Linking Words
, obsession certainly leads to a horrible situation in life and it is better to just be ourselves rather than copying others.
To conclude
Linking Words
, after all the aforementioned reasons, there is no doubt that several populations are following affluent personalities just to achieve fame and success and have materialistic things in life. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it has drastically damaged people's mental and emotional health.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
In terms of Task Response, ensure that the introduction explicitly addresses the question presented and that the conclusion clearly sums up your stance and the main points made. While your essay does this well, further clarification or a restatement of the topic in the introduction can enhance understanding immediately.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, your essay benefits from a logical ordering of ideas and well-structured paragraphs. To improve, consider varying your transition words and phrases for smoother flow between ideas. Additionally, ensure that paragraphs are unified around a single idea, with clear topic sentences that orient the reader.
Task Achievement
In places, the essay tends to state ideas rather than fully elaborate or analyze them. Engaging more deeply with the implications of your examples could strengthen your argument. For instance, discussing the societal pressures that fuel the desire to emulate celebrities could add depth.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: