IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem?

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A phenomenon of growing concern is child obesity. In my opinion, there are a lot of reasons that lead to
this
Linking Words
 situation, which can be avoided through
government
Use synonyms
 control of
food
Use synonyms
 production, and,
in addition
Linking Words
, by
parents
Use synonyms
 monitoring what their
children
Use synonyms
 eat. Nowadays, there is a growing percentage of the younger population that suffers from obesity. What
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon are a lot of factors.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are not aware of how much sugar is contained in different foods,
such
Linking Words
 as
yogurt
Change the spelling
yoghurt
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 and fruit juice;
therefore
Linking Words
, by constantly being fed
with
Change preposition
apply
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sugary foods,
children
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 become addicted to the flavour
,
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apply
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 and crave it.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they keep eating copious amounts of sugar
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 makes them gain weight.
Secondly
Linking Words
, eating fast
food
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 is one of the main causes related to weight gain.
Parents
Use synonyms
 underestimate the problems that constantly eating out can cause
to
Change preposition
apply
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their
children
Use synonyms
, especially since fast
food
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 restaurants serve
food
Use synonyms
 thick with saturated fats, which are plenty of calories.
For example
Linking Words
,
Mc Donald
Correct your spelling
McDonald
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 is one of the most famous fast
food
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 restaurants, and their
food
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 is known for being cooked with a huge amount of oil that gets absorbed by the products. To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, both
parents
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 and the
government
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 have to act.
Parents
Use synonyms
 need to learn the importance of homemade meals, creating nutritional plans for their
children
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while
Linking Words
 monitoring what they eat every day, and allowing sweets only a few times a month. Meanwhile, the
government
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 has to take action regarding
food
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 regulations, with stricter control on
food
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 labels, ensuring that they are not misleading
,
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apply
show examples
 and that restaurants follow required standards. In conclusion, a lot of factors are to blame for the growing trend of child obesity, like sugar and fast
food
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. To solve
this
Linking Words
 matter,
parents
Use synonyms
 need to be more aware and the
government
Use synonyms
 is required to strictly monitor the whole sector.

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coherence
Consider rephrasing some sentences for better clarity, especially in the introduction where the phrase 'which can be avoided through government control of food production' could be more clearly linked to the reasons stated in the essay.
coherence
In the second paragraph, ensure that you connect the points more smoothly by using linking words that guide the reader through your arguments, enhancing flow.
task achievement
When presenting examples, you can provide more detailed or varied examples, particularly in the context of parental responsibilities or government actions, to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You effectively identified key reasons contributing to childhood obesity, such as the impact of sugary foods and fast food consumption. This demonstrates your understanding of the topic.
coherence
The structure of your essay is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs discussing different factors, and a conclusion that summarizes your arguments, which improves readability.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
What to do next:
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