IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many parts of the world, people are choosing to have fewer children. Why do you think this is happening? What impacts may it have on society?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In many
countries
Use synonyms
, having fewer
children
Use synonyms
 has become more popular among
people
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years because raising
children
Use synonyms
 requires a lot of
money
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 situation negatively affects
countries
Use synonyms
, leading to the older population and directly causing economic issues. The main reason why
people
Use synonyms
 choose not to have many
children
Use synonyms
 is that raising
children
Use synonyms
 requires an enormous amount of
money
Use synonyms
. It is undeniable that parents want their kids to be in a good environment, acquire higher education, and obtain the best choices they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 provide. Those factors cause
people
Use synonyms
 to save their
money
Use synonyms
 and manage finances wisely, leading to higher stress and pressure.
For example
Linking Words
, if parents want their
children
Use synonyms
 to study in an international school, they have to spend more than a million dollars per year.
As a result
Linking Words
, they might not be able to afford that price and
finally
Linking Words
 prefer to live on their own without
children
Use synonyms
.
Due to
Linking Words
 a decrease in the population of younger generations, many
countries
Use synonyms
 are facing economic problems caused by
ageing
Add an article
an ageing
show examples
 society. The number of workers significantly declines,
while
Linking Words
 the proportion of elders increases. Many parts of the world lack employees who drive businesses.
Moreover
Linking Words
, governments have to spend more
money
Use synonyms
 taking care of older generations, resulting in financial imbalance.
For instance
Linking Words
, the Japanese economy has become worse because it does not have enough individuals who help the country
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
gain
money
Use synonyms
 from outside. Many organizations cannot operate productively as well;
therefore
Linking Words
, many enterprises have to stop operating. In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
 prefer not to have
many
Rephrase
as many
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 as they did in the past.
This
Linking Words
 situation results from higher expenses of taking care of kids, including housing, schooling, and other aspects.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is one of the main factors that have negative impacts on the economy. Many
countries
Use synonyms
 are dealing with
ageing
Add an article
an ageing
the ageing
show examples
 population, struggling with insufficient workers, and overspending on taking care of elders which eventually leads to financial instabilities.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your response clearly addresses the question about why people are choosing to have fewer children and the societal impacts of this trend. However, try to ensure that every main point directly connects back to the prompt more explicitly, which will enhance the completeness of your response.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs. Each paragraph discusses a specific idea, but transitions can be improved for greater coherence. Consider using linking phrases more effectively to ensure smoother flow between points.
task achievement
While you provide good examples, they could be more diverse and richer in specifics to strengthen your arguments. For instance, adding more varied statistics or studies can help make your points more compelling and relevant.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
You effectively discuss both the reasons for having fewer children and the societal impacts, which shows a good understanding of the question.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: