IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic:Doctors in many countries are saying that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What are the causes of this? How it can be addressed?

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In many countries, doctors report that
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities

It seems that community may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 are not getting enough exercise.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 problem has serious health consequences, including obesity, heart disease, and diabetes. There are several reasons why people are becoming less active. One major cause is modern technology. Many jobs require
nation
Add an article
a nation
the nation

The noun phrase nation seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 to sit at a desk for long hours, using computers. In their free time,
crowd
Fix the agreement mistake
crowds

It seems that crowd may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 often watch TV, play video games, or use smartphones
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 of going outside.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 lifestyle reduces physical activity. Another reason is busy schedules. Many people work long hours or have multiple responsibilities, leaving little time for movement.
Additionally
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, cities are not always designed for physical activity. Some areas lack parks, sidewalks, or bike lanes, making it difficult for society to walk or cycle. To solve
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 problem, both individuals and governments must take action.
First,
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

population
Add an article
the population

The noun phrase population seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 should try to include performance in their daily routine.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they can walk or cycle
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 of driving short distances, take the stairs
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 of the elevator
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma in a compound predicate. Consider removing it.

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 or do simple exercises at home. Schools and workplaces can
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 help by encouraging physical activities,
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as group workouts or active breaks. Governments should build more parks, bike lanes, and sports facilities to make exercise more accessible. They can
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 promote fitness programs and educate
public
Add an article
the public

The noun phrase public seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 about the benefits of an active lifestyle. In conclusion, the lack of physical activity is caused by technology, busy schedules, and poor urban planning.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, with small lifestyle changes and government support, people can become more active and improve their health.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, mentioning certain technologies or activities that contribute to sedentary lifestyles can enhance the clarity of your points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that you consistently use appropriate transitions to improve the flow of your essay, especially between main points, to enhance coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Vary your sentence structure for better engagement and to showcase your language skills. Avoid repetitive phrases and structures for a more dynamic writing style.
task achievement
You have identified relevant causes of the lack of physical exercise and proposed practical solutions, which demonstrates an understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the argument well and summarizing the main points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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