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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The table shows the
number
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 health
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
 in Miami and Florida, in the categories of male and female from January to December.
Also
Linking Words
, pie charts illustrate the
age
Use synonyms
 of male and female
visitors
Use synonyms
 in three different
age
Use synonyms
 categories.
Overall
Linking Words
, in the first half of the year,
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
 has an upward trend, but in the second half, it is
vise
Change the spelling
vice
show examples
 versa.
Also
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
pie
Correct article usage
the pie
show examples
 charts, it is obvious that the people
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
ages
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
21 to 45,
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 the biggest
number
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, considering the bar chart, it is remarkable that in all of the months, the
number
Use synonyms
 of male
visitors
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more than
Change preposition
in other
show examples
other group
Change the wording
another group
other groups
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in
june
Change the capitalization
June
show examples
, the difference between these groups reaches its highest value. Alternatively, after touching a peak in June, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
start
Correct subject-verb agreement
starts
show examples
 to decrease until December.
Secondly
Linking Words
, pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the percentage of
visitors
Use synonyms
 in
age
Use synonyms
 categories.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the biggest proportion of
visitors
Use synonyms
 are adults between 21 to 45,
however
Linking Words
, more men
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 visit health
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the least proportion is for people between 45 and 65, and
also
Linking Words
 young people with less than 24 years old.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, visitors, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "illustrate" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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