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Band 7

In some areas of the US, a 'curfew' is imposed, in which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a partuclar time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult. What is your opinion about this?

In certain regions of the United States, a curfew is enforced to restrict teenagers from being outdoors without adult supervision during late hours. From my perspective,
while
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this
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 measure may enhance academic focus and reduce crime, it ultimately encroaches upon the freedom of young
people
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. The following discussion will delve into these aspects in detail. One potential benefit of
curfews
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 is that they may improve the concentration of young individuals and contribute to a decline in criminal activities.
Firstly
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, adolescents may direct more attention towards their studies and long-term aspirations, potentially leading to higher academic achievements and career prospects.
Moreover
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, the presence of parental supervision during these restricted hours could help guide them onto a path of
law-abidance
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law abidance
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.
Secondly
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,
curfews
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 could serve as a deterrent to crime, as many illicit activities occur late at night when young
people
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 are unsupervised.
For example
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, crimes
such
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 as theft, assault, and even abductions could be curtailed with reduced mobility during late hours.
However
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, the imposition of a curfew inevitably infringes upon the independence of teenagers. Specifically, it limits their freedom to socialize with friends in public spaces, hindering their mental rejuvenation and the natural growth of social connections. Spending time with peers during evening gatherings and parties is a crucial aspect of adolescent life, allowing for personal growth and the enrichment of social bonds.
Additionally
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, unrestricted social activities contribute to the economic prosperity of local businesses, as young
people
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 often spend on food and recreational products.
Curfews
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,
in contrast
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, can stifle local enterprises and diminish social interactions. In conclusion, considering the aforementioned arguments,
while
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 I recognize the potential benefits of
curfews
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 in terms of academic focus and the reinforcement of familial relationships, it is important to acknowledge their adverse effects on local businesses and the social lives of young
people
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.
Therefore
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, a balanced approach that considers the competing interests of safety, personal development, and community well-being should be sought when imposing
such
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 measures.

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task achievement
While you made some strong points in favor of and against curfews, consider providing a more balanced discussion by thoroughly addressing both sides. Strengthening your conclusions with a clear recommendation can enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs could be improved to further enhance the flow of ideas. Adding more linking words or phrases may help your reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines your stance and sets up the discussion well, providing a good roadmap for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
You provided relevant examples to illustrate your points about crime and academics, which helps in making your argument more compelling.
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