IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Recently, People
of
Change preposition
in
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 some countries
involve
Wrong verb form
have had
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 a relatively surplus number of young adults in relation to the number of older people.
This
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 trend can bring both benefits and challenges to a nation’s economy, society, and future development.
While
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 a young population can drive innovation and economic growth, it
also
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 causes challenges related to employment, education and social stability. The advantages of having a larger young generation may outweigh the disadvantages if governments implement effective policies to attain that demographic potential. One major advantage of a younger community is the boost to the labour force. Young adults are typically more productive, adaptable and versatile to new technologies, and passionate about working in contemporary industries. It can lead to higher economic growth because a larger workforce leads to
increase
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increased
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 production and consumption.
Additionally
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, younger populations tend to be more innovative,
consequencing
Verb problem
resulting in
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 entrepreneurship and technological advancements that can enhance a country’s competitiveness. Countries like Russia and America, with their large middle age populations, are seeing rapid growth in sectors
such
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 as informational technology,
company
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companies
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 and startups.
However
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,
such
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 kind of structure
also
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 presents obstacles. If a country fails to create enough jobs for its young vacanter, high unemployment rates can lead to social jams and economic instability.
Moreover
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, providing qualified education and healthcare for a growing young population requires government investment. Without proper planning, the benefits of a youthful society may not fully
achieve
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achieved
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. In conclusion,
while
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 a large young population offers significant economic opportunities, its success depends on effective reign. If managed well, the advantages,
such
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 as workforce results and innovation, can outweigh the disadvantages .

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task achievement
The introduction provides a relevant overview but could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that explicitly states your position. Consider rephrasing your introduction to strengthen clarity.
task achievement
In your body paragraphs, ensure that each point is thoroughly developed and supported with specific examples. Some ideas, such as the reference to Russia and American companies, could be expanded upon to illustrate your points more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases (e.g., 'consequencing entrepreneurship,' 'young vacanter' should be 'young workers'). A careful proofreading can enhance clarity and coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Adding transition words or phrases between ideas can help improve the flow and enhance the logical connection between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view of the topic and recognizes both advantages and disadvantages, which is important for task response.
task achievement
Your points about the productivity and adaptability of young adults are insightful and reflect a good understanding of the potential benefits of a young population.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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