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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Modern lifestyle, with more money, material comforts and scientific progress does not make us happier than in the past, perhaps in the opposite

Nowadays, we
lived
Wrong verb form
live
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 in a modern society where money, material comforts, and scientific
progress
Use synonyms
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
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 easier compared to back
then
Linking Words
.
While
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 others believe that our happiness does not depend on advanced things, I do believe in the opposite way (disagree).
To begin
Linking Words
 with, money, material comforts, and scientific
progress
Use synonyms
 will be the main
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 in today's essay.
First,
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the easier source of
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
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, these days there are a lot of job opportunities that in the previous era did not exist,
such
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 as social media workers.
Thus
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, seeking a job is easier since there are more opportunities
opened
Replace the word
open
show examples
.
This
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 leads us to the second point, the money you earn will
then
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 provide you with material comfort
such
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 as housing. The houses now are made with a good material
such
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 as steel for the roof, it was the opposite back
then
Linking Words
 when they used a thin layer of wood so the rain wouldn't seepage to the floor.
Lastly
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, scientific
progress
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 includes the healthcare
that is
Linking Words
 provided to people all around the world.
For example
Linking Words
, the cancer research
progress
Use synonyms
 has produced the treatment to fight cancer,
chemotheraphy
Correct your spelling
chemotherapy
. It is one of the game
changer
Change to a plural noun
changers
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 society. People back
then
Linking Words
 were losing their loved ones because of the lack of research on medicine, but these days the previous incurable diseases are now curable and
thus
Linking Words
 it increases the happiness of their loved ones. In conclusion, in my opinion, happiness comes from how we get our source of income, comfort places, and the
progress
Use synonyms
 of science. The privilege of not stressing about getting a job, worrying that the rain will wet the house, and being scared of not being able to see our family again because of cancer. I am 100% sure that I will be happier in modern society.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing the introduction for clarity. Instead of 'I do believe in the opposite way,' try 'I disagree with this notion.'
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to provide a clearer topic sentence for each paragraph to guide the reader. This would enhance the logical flow between ideas.
task achievement
Expand on how these factors specifically lead to increased happiness. More depth in explanation would strengthen the points made.
task achievement
Ensure that all examples provided directly support the argument about happiness. Some points touched on material aspects without linking back effectively to happiness.
content
Good use of examples to illustrate the impact of scientific progress on healthcare and happiness.
communication
The overall message and stance are clear, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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