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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The first figure compares the number of people connected to the Internet in five European countries in 1995, 2000 and 2004, while the second shows the level of internet shopping in these countries in 2004.

The first figure compares the number of people connected to the Internet in five European countries in 1995, 2000 and 2004, while the second shows the level of internet shopping in these countries in 2004.
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A glance at
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 figures presented depicts the comparison of
internet
Use synonyms
 use in five European countries in 1995,2000 and 2004
as well as
Linking Words
 the popularity of
internet
Use synonyms
 shopping in these countries. In general,
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 has the most increase in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
internet
Use synonyms
users
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 15
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
users
Use synonyms
 added in 2004, and Spain has the least rise in that number
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
vicinity of 1.5
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
users
Use synonyms
 added. It is evident from the information provided that Britain had by far the highest number of
internet
Use synonyms
users
Use synonyms
 in all three years. From 16
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 in 1995, it climbed to 22
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 in 2000, and
Linking Words
finally
Add a comma
finally,
show examples
 it reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
41
million
Use synonyms
users
Use synonyms
 in 2004.
Second
Correct article usage
The second
show examples
 place belongs to Germany.
This
Linking Words
 country
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 5
million
Use synonyms
users
Use synonyms
 in 1995 and it
soar
Wrong verb form
soared
show examples
 to 14
million
Use synonyms
 in 2000.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
 2004 it had
Correct article usage
a negligble
show examples
negligble
Correct your spelling
negligible
 increase and reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
15
million
Use synonyms
. France
in
Add a missing verb
was in
show examples
 third place
wit
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
 2
million
Use synonyms
 in 1995 it rose to 3
million
Use synonyms
 in 2000 and got to 6
million
Use synonyms
 in 2004. At
last
Linking Words
 places are Switzerland and Spain with a mere increase of
internet
Use synonyms
users
Use synonyms
. It is
also
Linking Words
 interesting to note that
internet
Use synonyms
 shopping was far more common in the UK than in any country. In fact, the prevalence of
internet
Use synonyms
 shopping in Britain was double that of Germany and triple that of Switzerland.Meanwhile, France and Spain had moderate levels of online shopping.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words internet, users, millions, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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