IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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In some
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
, some would argue that
kids
Use synonyms
 are allowed to achieve anything if they
work
Use synonyms
 hard.
Although
Linking Words
, some
children
Use synonyms
 will feel broken if they don’t gain what they want in the end,
while
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that
tolds
Correct your spelling
holds
told
 that for
children
Use synonyms
 will give them happy lives.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
children
Use synonyms
 who failed once to achieve their goals will no longer believe these
sentence
Fix the agreement mistake
sentences
show examples
. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that sometimes these
kids
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 have
expand
Wrong verb form
expanded
show examples
 imagine, so they have different thinking
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with the adults; some of them
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
 to do something
will
Correct pronoun usage
that will
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 never
happend
Correct your spelling
happen
happened
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real life.
For example
Linking Words
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
 are influenced by Superman so they want to be like him, and they believe if they
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
exercise they can protect the world.
On the contrary
Linking Words
,
somes
Correct your spelling
some
 believe educating
children
Use synonyms
 from
early
Add an article
an early
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 age to
work
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 hard is the preferable option.
In other words
Linking Words
, teaching
kids
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 to
work
Use synonyms
 hard
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 growth will reflect positively
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their future.
For example
Linking Words
, when I was
student
Add an article
a student
show examples
 in primary school my mother
promise
Wrong verb form
promised
show examples
 me if I studied hard I
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 get higher
mark
Fix the agreement mistake
marks
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 which I
get it
Wrong verb form
got
show examples
 eventually.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
tecahing
Correct your spelling
teaching
children
Use synonyms
 the
work
Use synonyms
 hard will give them
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
jobs opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
job opportunities
show examples
. In conclusion,
however
Linking Words
, the negative impact on the
children
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
might
be causes
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
 depression
feeling
Verb problem
apply
show examples
for
kids
Use synonyms
 if they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not reap the result of their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
, if
children
Use synonyms
learning
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
 to try hard enough will
encourag
Correct your spelling
encourage
 their
oppourtunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 to
get
Verb problem
have
show examples
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 life.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider revising your introduction to make it clearer and more engaging. Present the topic in a more structured way.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to avoid repetitive phrases and use a variety of sentence structures to improve readability.
task achievement
Clarify your arguments further; rather than stating that some children might feel broken, explain the emotional impact this could have on their self-esteem.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure accuracy in your language usage, such as verb tenses and subject-verb agreement.
task achievement
You've shown a good understanding of the topic and the ways it can affect children, which is essential for task achievement.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the Superman reference and your personal experience with studying, help to illustrate your points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: