IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Work and Career Some people think that individuals should prioritize their career over their personal life. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is often believed that family time is beneficial,
while
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 others argue that
career
Use synonyms
 growth is essential for success.
Although
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career
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 progression is a major factor in determining the quality of
life
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, the vast majority
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
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 from nine to five, which
is making
Wrong verb form
makes
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 them cooperate robots,
for
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this
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 reason, I disagree with the notion mentioned above. On one hand, some
people
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 believe that
money
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 can give you freedom and happiness to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
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 the dreams of your
life
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.
For instance
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 well-
Correct article usage
a furnished
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furnished
Correct your spelling
well-furnished
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 house, sports car and quality food.
This
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 is the very reason why most of the
people
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 are working tirelessly hard to make good fortunes in their lives.
For example
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, when someone
get
Change the verb form
gets
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 sick and
need
Change the verb form
needs
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 frequent medical care they can use their medical insurance to pay bills for the hospital.
However
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,
money
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 can cater
very
Change preposition
to very
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 little things in
life
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, and I believe that
money
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 cannot buy you everything.
One
Correct your spelling
On
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 the other hand, others believe that personal
life
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 matters the most in order to lead a successful
life
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.
This
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 is to say, when an individual is mentally exhausted from work it will affect his/her relationships.
Moreover
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, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 are unhappy because they are stuck in a
pot hole
Correct your spelling
pothole
show examples
 and want to get out of their misery.
For instance
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, the middle class has been the victim of the economic crisis since Covid. I,
therefore
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, agree that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 should put their mental health first before their
career
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. In conclusion, despite
few
Correct article usage
the few
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 luxuries and facilities
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
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 be achieved by using
money
Use synonyms
, the overwhelming majority of
people
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 are unaware of the disadvantages of giving too much attention to
Use synonyms
career
Correct pronoun usage
their career
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, and in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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people
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 should learn to manage
work-
Correct pronoun usage
their work-life
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life
Use synonyms
 balance and focus on their personal growth.

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task response
Aim to provide a clearer central thesis statement in your introduction that directly addresses the question. This will help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to structure your paragraphs more clearly. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that connects back to your main argument, and provide a smooth transition between ideas.
task response
While you have provided some relevant examples, consider expanding these examples to provide a more thorough analysis or deeper insight into your points. This can enhance the clarity of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
You presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which shows good critical thinking skills.
task response
Your conclusion effectively summarises your argument and reinforces your main point about the importance of work-life balance.
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