IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialise online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
To date, social activities on the internet have become increasingly popular, leading to
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 connections in person.
This
Linking Words
 trend has several impacts on society.
While
Linking Words
 socializing online may
pertain
Verb problem
have
show examples
downside
Fix the agreement mistake
downsides
show examples
 including loss of inter-person intimate bonding, and
pose
Wrong verb form
posing
show examples
 security issues, the internet can significantly remove traditional social barriers, and can greatly enhance intimacy and safeness through
advances
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 technologies. One notable drawback is the loss of intimate social bonding, and the personal ability to build one.
For example
Linking Words
, youths today are more used to playing games online with friends than playing basketball together outside.
This
Linking Words
 change took away in-person social stimulus,
such
Linking Words
 as reading gestures or facial expressions, from them. In turn, they may face difficulties building intimate
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 like marriage
due to
Linking Words
 socially inappropriate behavior or frequent awkward misunderstandings.
Moreover
Linking Words
, security issues lurk underneath the screens. Without direct contact, it is hard to verify the true intent of the person on the other side of the internet, exposing
people
Use synonyms
 to safety risks.
However
Linking Words
, socializing online would indeed significantly remove a lot of social barriers. It would not only shorten the time to
building
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 connections but
also
Linking Words
 would
further
Linking Words
 broaden the potential social opportunities.
For instance
Linking Words
,
suburb
Replace the word
suburban
show examples
 residents in a place where
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 commute is not prevalent can now reach out
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
to people
show examples
 from
other village
Change the wording
another village
other villages
show examples
 easily.
In contrast
Linking Words
, in the past,
people
Use synonyms
 could only build acquaintances of others through intermediate connections,
such
Linking Words
 as by
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 introduction of a mutual friend.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, advances in the relevant sectors
also
Linking Words
 bring features
such
Linking Words
 as virtual video talks and identity
check
Fix the agreement mistake
checks
show examples
, greatly
enhance
Wrong verb form
enhancing
show examples
 intimacy and safeness. In conclusion, socializing online may have negative impacts on loss of inter-person intimate bonding, and threats to social security,
whereas
Linking Words
 these impacts are not manageable. Meanwhile, socializing online actually brings
people
Use synonyms
 from different corners of the world together closer.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is a positive development.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear overview of the topic and outlines both positive and negative aspects, which is good. However, consider refining your thesis statement to make it more precise about your stance.
coherence and cohesion
Some of your points in the body paragraphs could be more thoroughly developed to enhance clarity and link back to the main argument. Ensure you explain how your examples relate directly to the main points being made.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with word choice and grammar; for instance, 'pertain downside' should be 'have downsides' and 'inter-person' should be 'interpersonal'. Such small inaccuracies can affect your clarity.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the key arguments. To improve, you could reiterate why the benefits outweigh the drawbacks in a more compelling way.
coherence and cohesion
Your organization is generally clear, and you have structured your paragraphs around main ideas, which contributes positively to the readability of your essay.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your claims, such as the shift from in-person activities to online interactions, showing your awareness of current trends.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social media platforms
  • online interactions
  • virtual communication
  • global community
  • interpersonal skills
  • digital divide
  • cyberspace
  • virtual presence
  • social networking
  • mental wellbeing
  • digital literacy
  • safe spaces
  • marginalized groups
  • face-to-face communication
  • socialisation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: