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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the past it was only possible to contact people at home by letter or telephone. Nowadays, mobile devices mean that we can communicate with people anywhere and at any time. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? (KLL)

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In the early
years
Add a comma
years,
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 there is only one certain way to connect
people
Use synonyms
 at home by letter or telephone. Recently, via mobile
devices
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, it is convenient that we are able to speak with humans at places and times that we want.
This
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 essay will discuss what can be useful with
this
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 evolution, but at the same time what the main threats are for us. On the one hand, novelty in communication mitigated
people
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's missing
for
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from
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 their relatives because whenever they want to talk with their friends, families just one call can solve
this
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 problem. Long trips
,
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apply
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 and compulsory job travels can be difficult for
people
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 who cannot make any connection with their relatives,
however
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 thanks to mobile
devices
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 which do not
led
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lead
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 to
be
Verb problem
apply
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disappointed
Replace the word
disappointment
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.
For example
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, the football players of Barcelona often travel to countries from other ones. In
this
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 case, the progress of communication is the best treatment for the players' well-being.
On the other hand
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, the improvement of communication is able to have some little disadvantages which give us some reasons to go to the past decades. With the injection of mobile
devices
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to
Change preposition
into
show examples
people
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's lives deeply, humans
have more
Verb problem
are
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 colder than others. In the early years,
people
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 are social,
Correct word choice
and extrovert
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extrovert
Fix the agreement mistake
extroverts
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 mainly because
people
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's main engagement is not mobile
devices
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. They spent their time with friends, neighbours face to face. The evolution of mobile
devices
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 showed that
people
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 are not sincere
to
Change preposition
with
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 others on phones.
For example
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, two
people
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 can communicate with each other whenever they want.
This
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 situation reduces their passion to see themselves
face-to
Correct your spelling
face to
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 face outside or somewhere.
To sum up
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, mobile
devices
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 are very beneficial things that make
people
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 relax
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
 they can easily connect with others, but it has some disadvantages that impact society's lives.

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Task Achievement
Clarify your ideas and make sure each point is fully developed and supported with examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of your paragraphs. Make sure each sentence clearly relates to the main idea of the paragraph.
Language Use
Use varied sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of the language used in your essay.
Positive Highlight
Your introduction effectively outlines the topic and sets the stage for a balanced discussion.
Positive Highlight
You made a good effort to provide examples to support your points, such as mentioning Barcelona football players.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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