IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be taught how to manage money at school. Others think that it is a skill better learned at home. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Nowadays, many people believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should learn how to spend
money
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 wisely at school,
while
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 others believe that
this
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 should be learned at
home
Use synonyms
.
This
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 essay will discuss both views including my opinion. On one hand, those who believe that
kids
Use synonyms
 should learn how to manage
money
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 from school. They leave
this
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 matter to
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
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 experience,
for
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 if they give the
kids
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money
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 for
whole
Add an article
a whole
the whole
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 week, the
kids
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 should find out how to spend
this
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 amount of
money
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 in one week.
This
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 experience will teach them how to save
money
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besides
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that
Correct determiner usage
apply
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improving calculation skills and enhancing their planning to spend.
On the other hand
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, people who believe that
children
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 should learn how to spend the
money
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 at
home
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 before going to school.
This
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 will encourage the
kids
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 to be independent,
brave
Correct word choice
and brave
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to
Rephrase
enough to
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 buy alone and
relief
Replace the word
relieve
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parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
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 feelings about
this
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 issue since they practice it at
home
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,
for example
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 parents should begin teaching their
kids
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 numbers
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then
Correct word choice
and then
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 how to add and subtract after that, show them real paper
money
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 to distinguish between them.
Finally
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, they should give them a real experience
as
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of
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 shopping. From my own perspective view, I think we should teach our
kids
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 at
home
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 first
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due to
Change preposition
for
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 many reasons we have many occasions
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 in Saudi Arabia the
kids
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received
Wrong verb form
receive
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money
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 not only from their parents. Indeed,
children
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 should
also
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 have the sense of spending
money
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in
Change preposition
on
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 purpose. In conclusion, people believe that
money
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 is crucial to life and the most important is how to teach
children
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 about how they should spend it.
This
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 essay shows both
view
Change to a plural noun
views
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 with examples.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to provide a clearer structure to your essay. Use paragraphs to clearly separate each argument and view. For example, introduce one viewpoint in one paragraph and the opposing view in another. Also, ensure there's a clear topic sentence for each paragraph to guide the reader.
task achievement
In your introduction, try to specify your opinion more decisively. Clearly state which side you find more convincing or preferable. This helps the reader understand your stance right from the beginning.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your claims. For instance, instead of saying 'real life experience,' you could describe a specific situation where this learning took place, making your argument stronger and more relatable.
coherence and cohesion
Revise some of the language for clarity. For example, phrases like 'the kids should find out how to spend this amount of money' can be rephrased to 'the children will learn to budget their money effectively'. Clear and precise language enhances understanding.
task achievement
You have acknowledged both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the topic and demonstrates balanced thinking.
task achievement
The use of examples, even though they could be more specific, indicates that you are trying to ground your arguments in real-world scenarios.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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