IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that it is the responsibility of the government to solve the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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These days, more and more
children
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 are becoming overweight and facing health problems, especially in developed countries. Some people believe that the
government
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 should take responsibility for
this
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 issue. Personally, I partly agree with
this
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 view because
while
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 the
government
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 plays an important role, parents and schools should
also
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 share the responsibility. On one hand, the
government
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 can make a big impact through public policies and education.
For example
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, they can set rules to limit the amount of sugar or unhealthy ingredients in school meals. They can
also
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 ban junk food advertisements targeting
children
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, which often encourage bad eating habits.
In addition
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, the
government
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 can support programs that promote physical activity,
such
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 as building parks or organizing sports events for kids. These actions create a healthier environment and help guide
children
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 in the right direction.
However
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, relying only on the
government
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 is not enough. Parents play a key role in shaping their
children
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’s daily habits. If parents continue to buy fast food or let their kids play video games all day,
government
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 policies will have little effect. It's the responsibility of families to set good examples by cooking healthy meals at home and encouraging active lifestyles. Schools should
also
Linking Words
 take part by offering more physical education and teaching students about nutrition from an early age. In conclusion, I believe that solving the problem of childhood obesity should be a shared effort. The
government
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 can guide and support through policies and public health programs, but real change
also
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 depends on families and schools working together to build healthy habits in
children
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.

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task achievement
While you have clearly presented your opinion and provided supporting arguments, consider expanding on your examples to add more depth. For instance, when mentioning government initiatives, you could discuss a specific policy implemented in a country that has effectively reduced childhood obesity.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance the logical flow of your essay, make sure to introduce your points more clearly. While your arguments are connected, using more linking phrases can improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This helps the reader to follow your reasoning more smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced viewpoint on a complex issue, which demonstrates critical thinking and an understanding of multiple perspectives.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with a strong introduction and conclusion, along with well-defined paragraphs for each main point.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity epidemic
  • public health policies
  • nutritional education
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • healthcare costs
  • junk food advertisements
  • dietary habits
  • physical activity
  • grassroots movements
  • community initiatives
  • subsidies
  • socioeconomic status
  • holistic approach
  • government intervention
  • parental responsibility
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