IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Excessive
sugar
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 consumption has been linked to various health problems
such
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 as obesity and diabetes. Some
people
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 believe that increasing the price of sugary
products
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 would discourage
people
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 from buying them.
While
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this
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 approach may have some positive effects, I believe that it is not the most effective solution to the issue.
To begin
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with
Add a comma
with,
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 my ideas, making sugary
products
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 more expensive could reduce their consumption. When
prices
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 increase,
people
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 may look for healthier alternatives
such
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 as fruits and low-
sugar
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 snacks.
For example
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, governments have introduced a "
sugar
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 tax" which has led to a decline in the sales of soft drinks, in some countries.
Furthermore
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, higher
prices
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 can create awareness about the dangers of
sugar
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, encouraging consumers to make better dietary choices.
On the other hand
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, simply raising
prices
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 may not be enough to change
people
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’s eating habits. Many individuals, especially those with a sweet tooth, may continue to buy sugary
products
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 regardless of the cost.
Additionally
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,
this
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 policy could disproportionately affect low-income individuals as they may struggle to afford even basic food items.
Instead
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 of increasing
prices
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, governments should focus on educating
people
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 about the risks of
sugar
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 and promoting healthier diets.
For instance
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, schools could provide nutrition programs to teach children about balanced eating habits. In conclusion,
while
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 making sugary
products
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 more expensive might help reduce their consumption but it is not a complete solution. A better approach would be to combine public education with policies that encourage healthier food choices, ensuring that
people
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 can make informed decisions about their diet.

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task achievement
Consider further elaborating on why educating the public is crucial in promoting healthier diets. This would strengthen your argument and provide a more comprehensive solution.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow between paragraphs by using more cohesive devices or linking phrases to clarify connections and improve readability.
content
The essay presents a clear opinion with a logical argument structure, discussing both sides of the issue effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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