IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, young children are looked after during the day while their parents go to work. In a sense, they are raised by guardians and not their biological parents. What is your opinion of this family arrangement?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today's world, in various countries, Juveniles are taken care
by
Change preposition
of by
show examples
 other family members
instead
Linking Words
 of by their
parents
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 they are in their jobs. I believe that despite being part of those families, these types of arrangements are harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 both
babies
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
, because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
hindrances
Replace the word
hinder
show examples
 children's cognitive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, and
develops
Correct subject-verb agreement
develop
show examples
 forbearers' mental stresses.   
To begin
Linking Words
 with, newborns raised by family members other than
parents
Use synonyms
experiences
Correct subject-verb agreement
experience
show examples
 harmful impacts developing their cognitive behaviours.
In other words
Linking Words
, it has scientific
proves
Replace the word
proof
show examples
 that fathers and mothers are more attached
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
babies
Use synonyms
 than any other members of the family, and their affections and emotions assist
kids
Use synonyms
 to learn quickly.
For instance
Linking Words
, a survey carried out by Dhaka Mental Health Institute indicates that students,
comtrolled
Correct your spelling
controlled
 by their own
parents
Use synonyms
, are more active in
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
 matters
that
Linking Words
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 crucial adult
matter
Fix the agreement mistake
matters
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that infants should be brought up by their biological
parents
Use synonyms
 only.
Additionally
Linking Words
- and very importantly-
parents
Use synonyms
 could be less focused and stressed at work.
Linking Words
While
Correct word choice
When
show examples
 father or mother leaves their
kids
Use synonyms
 at home, they might not be able to concentrate fully
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their work, as they need to
response
Replace the word
respond
show examples
any
Change preposition
to any
show examples
 calls from home about their
kids
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they can
less
Add a missing verb
be less
show examples
 productive than other employees in their careers.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, they might lose their jobs because employers expect the best from their workers, which is sometimes impossible
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their situations.
Therefore
Linking Words
, authorities should take necessary measures to provide enough parental leave, so that they can be with their
babies
Use synonyms
until
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a good period of time. In conclusion, based on
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
show examples
 reasons,
parents
Use synonyms
 should look after their
kids
Use synonyms
 for
babies
Use synonyms
' proper
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
 and to look after themselves too.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion but could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the topic. Consider discussing some potential benefits of guardianship or alternative arrangements to acknowledge different perspectives.
Coherence and Cohesion
There are some issues with sentence structure and punctuation. For example, 'newborns raised by family members other than parents experiences harmful impacts' should use 'experience' instead of 'experiences'. Also, ensure there's proper spacing after commas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that paragraphs are well-connected. Transition phrases could be employed to improve flow between ideas. For instance, you could use phrases like 'Moreover' or 'On the other hand' to enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
The essay asserts a clear stance, stating that children should be raised by their biological parents, which is a strong position.
Task Achievement
You provided a relevant example related to cognitive development, which helps strengthen your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: