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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that old people should take part in sport to stay healthy. Others think there are better ways for old people to stay healthy. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In the modern era, old
people
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 take part in
sports
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 to stay healthy,
on the other hand
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, there are other solutions. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss which opinion is better than the other and which is my personal view.
Firstly
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, scholars used to say to do
sports
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 at every time of their life, so
also
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 older
people
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 could do when they are retired. The benefits of doing
exercise
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 after a life of
work
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 well known to the scientific community,
for example
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, in Italy there are always more football clubs for
people
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 that are retired from
work
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 and the injuries are not so many as the professional, because the rhythm of play is not so high. Not only team
sports
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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 individual
sports
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 have an increase of older
people
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. If one looks at the participants of the
last
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 Sydney Marathon, you could see that over 40 per cent are more than 60 years old.
Therefore
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, practising some sport after 60 years old is very popular all over the world.
However
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, some
people
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 believe that there are better ways to stay healthy,
for instance
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, eating healthy or studying. After a life at
work
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, the possibility of eating junk food is quite possible.
People
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 have more time to spend on lunch and dinner and precisely in that time, they want to eat healthily. Studying is another
exercise
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 for old
people
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 that could be effective. It is called the
exercise
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 of the brain, so
instead
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 of doing outside
sports
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, they can
work
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 for themselves.
Then
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, after years, the brain continues to collapse and only by reading books and understanding them can be useful for society. In my opinion, sport is a fundamental
exercise
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 that all
people
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 have to practice and old
people
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 have more need to do so. In conclusion, to remain healthy there are many options,
nevertheless
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, they need to do something and not stay quiet in their retirement.

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task achievement
Clarify your stance in the introduction, making it explicit whether you agree with one side or believe both have merit.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that sentences within the paragraphs logically flow from one to the next.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or data to strengthen your argument, especially in the second body paragraph.
task achievement
The discussion of sports participation among older adults was well-presented and included relevant examples.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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