IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

in some cultures children were told that they can achieve anything if they try hard what are the advantges and disadvantges

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Good words affect personal
behavior
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behaviour
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 to behave well. In some cultures,
children
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 are told that they have the ability to achieve what they aim to by hard work.
This
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 essay will highlight the advantages and disadvantages of giving
children
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this
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 message. On one hand, the advantages of telling
children
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 about what they are capable of doing by encouraging them with different types of support.
Firstly
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, good words can alleviate their power to reach their goal.
Secondly
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, give the
children
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 the support they need to achieve their goals.
For example
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, starting
this
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 from their childhood means if the parents encourage the baby from their first steps, the baby can go
further
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 and walk well. Another example, as a teacher, if we focus on the students' creativity, definitely we will find talented students and we will surprised by their achievements.
On the other hand
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, the disadvantage of
this
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 culture, we do not take into consideration the abilities of
children
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 are different, some
children
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 have the ability to finish calculations easily
while
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 others find it difficult to finish them.
Moreover
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, if the
children
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 are told that that means they child will try hard repeatedly with no result which will disappoint them and will negatively affect them. In conclusion, many cultures support the idea of telling
children
Use synonyms
 they can reach their goals by trying harder, but they ignore other factories that keep them away from getting closer to their goals. From my own view, I can say that the advantages mitigate the impact of the disadvantages.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction is clear, but adding a brief overview of the main points you will discuss might enhance the clarity of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to clearly connect your ideas within and between paragraphs. For instance, the transition between advantages and disadvantages can be smoother.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas fully. While you've included some examples, they could be elaborated further to add depth.
task achievement
Be careful with phrasing and grammatical accuracy. Proofreading your essay for minor errors can improve the overall quality.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages, demonstrating a balanced approach to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear conclusion that reflects your opinion, which is great for summarizing your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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