IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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There are some people who believe that it is beneficial to save money for their
children
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 so that it could be used in the
future
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,
whereas
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 others argue that opinion. I believe that it is a good idea to keep some of their monthly wages for use in the
future
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.
To begin
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 with, schools and
collages
Correct your spelling
colleges
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have a high expense in so many countries,
consequently
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, that demands quite a lot for parents who have school-aged
children
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 .
Furthermore
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, if they ensure the expenditure of their education, that will remove the stress in the
future
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 that they could get the university of their dream.
For example
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, the USA residents make loans so they guarantee the education of their
adolecent
Correct your spelling
adolescent
and young sons, and that
why
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is why
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 many young individuals have continued their careers successfully.
Secondly
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, financial issues for the
future
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 plans of their career are
also
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 essential because
this
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 will raise the opportunity
to
Change preposition
for
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 a good job.
As well as
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, in the tradition of many nations, the father keeps
Add an article
the
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money for the marriage of their sons and daughters,
while
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 the expenses of their marriage
demands
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demand
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 fair enough that their salary is not enough.
For instance
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, in India , fathers must pay bank notes to the new husbands of their daughters and buy gold jewellery, so as to keep the pride of their
marriage
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married
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 daughters. In conclusion, there are so many parents who save money and make loans on their salary to ensure the
future
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 plans of their
children
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 to utilize it in various life aspects and that decrease the pressure
to
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on
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 their
children
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.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your position on the topic. Consider rephrasing your thesis statement to make it more direct and clear.
coherence and cohesion
Try to organize your paragraphs with clearer topic sentences that indicate the main point you will discuss. This will help the reader to understand the logical flow of your argument better.
task achievement
Ensure your examples are fully developed. Sometimes, they feel a bit rushed or unclear. Providing additional detail can help clarify your points.
coherence and cohesion
There are some spelling and grammar issues that need to be addressed. Pay attention to common mistakes like 'collages' (which should be 'colleges') and ensure sentence structures are correct and varied.
task achievement
Your essay presents relevant arguments about the importance of saving money for children's futures, which is a key requirement of the task.
task achievement
You've included specific examples from different cultures, which adds depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates the importance of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • safety net
  • unforeseen circumstances
  • emergencies
  • future investments
  • retirement planning
  • financial discipline
  • habit of saving
  • amassing wealth
  • substantial fund
  • opportunity cost
  • additional income
  • inflation
  • purchasing power
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