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Writing Samples / Band 8 In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of problems and what measures could be taken to solve them

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In recent times, it is more likely to be obese than in the past.
This
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 trend is mainly tied to problems related to a sedentary lifestyle alongside an unhealthy diet. In my opinion,
this
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 issue could be addressed by effective measures done by the government
such
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 as raising awareness
on
Change preposition
of
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 the downsides of eating fast
food
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 but
also
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 promoting the benefits of physical activities. One of the most common
cause
Change to a plural noun
causes
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 of a rise in people's weight is the fact that individuals tend to adopt an unhealthy daily life. It is the case,
for instance
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, when they are spending hours sitting in the same position which results in a lack of physical movement essential in burning calories. Indeed, as people are keen on eating industrial
food
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 which contains large amounts of oil, they need to compensate
these
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for these
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 added calories in order to reduce the likelihood of developing serious diseases,
such
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 as
high-cholesterol
Correct your spelling
high cholesterol
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, that could be harmful.
Hence
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, the primary reasons why individuals are becoming
overweighted
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overweight
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 are their unhealthy lifestyle
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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include
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including
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 a lack of sports
as well as
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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highly caloric feeding.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 problem can be tackled by governmental actions to make citizens more fit and healthier. To
examplify
Correct your spelling
exemplify
this
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, they could raise the population's awareness
on
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of
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 how dangerous
this
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 kind of
food
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 could be
on
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to
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 their health.
This
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 situation has been widespread in The United States where schools claimed the fact that manufactured
food
Use synonyms
 leads to awful
damages
Fix the agreement mistake
damage
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on
Change preposition
to
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 health. Another initiative is that the parliament can promote the advantages of
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
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 a regular activity, by installing new gym rooms or implementing parks for running.
This
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 will encourage the population to do exercises as there will be plenty of specialised facilities for it.
Thus
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, sports alongside an alert on the dangers of eating fast
food
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, could be effective solutions to raise the issue. In conclusion,
although
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 the major causes of an increase in weight are triggered by both a sedentary lifestyle and
an
Remove the article
apply
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overconsumption of oily
food
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, I firmly believe that the government can play a crucial role in solving the problem effectively not only through raising attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the dangerous consequences of
such
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food
Use synonyms
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
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 highlighting the benefits of physical activities by suggesting the implementation of specific amenities encouraging individuals to practice sports.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider using more variety in vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance your essay. This will help engage the reader more and demonstrate a wider range of language proficiency.
task response
To improve clarity, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea of that paragraph.
task achievement
While you provided examples, including more detailed statistics or studies could strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position and maintains this throughout, addressing both causes and solutions related to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas within paragraphs, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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