IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Today many young people spend too much of thier free time at shopping malls.This can be considered negative for young people and society generally.To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement.

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Leisure time spent in commercial superstores is increasingly popular these days. It is generally believed that
this
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 trend could impact individuals and society negatively, though I personally opine
on the contrary
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. As for me, I do not agree with the said idea because shopping places are meet-up places for many and they
also
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 benefit the retail business. With nuclear families emerging rapidly, shopping complexes are a preferred place for social interactions. College students are often spotted at these places during their free time It is a go-to place to relax, chill with friends, eat and even have meaningful conversations. Earlier, the norm of going to a library was common among youngsters,
however
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 with the facility of everything under one roof: shops, restaurants, activities and window shopping, going to a mall is most beneficial.
Moreover
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, with no weather restrictions, these hubs attract more teenagers. New friendship bonds are observed and young people initiating a conversation
,
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 keeps them mentally healthy.
Thus
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, shopping centres are much more than shopping alone.
For instance
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, I recently celebrated my 30th Birthday at Erin Mill town centre in Mississauga, where we had a grand party at Pizza Hut and even played games at their gaming zone.
This
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 centre had a beautiful amphitheatre inside which made our day more enjoyable.Everyone had a toast and
this
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 was one of my memorable birthdays.
In addition
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, hubs for shopping attract customers and entice them to make sensible purchases. Offering huge discounts and promotions almost on all occasions, shops inside the centre get an opportunity to make sales and expand their business. Flea markets inside the premises, often seen during weekends, are set up to launch new brands or products.
Therefore
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, with a plethora of benefits, the youth frequent these malls.
While
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this
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 trend may encourage unnecessary purchases and unwanted consumerism, it is on us to be penny-wise. In conclusion, most young individuals prefer going to shopping malls to enjoy and relax. In my view, it fosters positivity and encourages adolescents to be socially involved. It
also
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 helps new businesses to grow and expand.

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task achievement
While your introduction clearly presents your position, you might want to state the potential negative impacts of spending excessive time in malls more explicitly. This would provide a stronger contrast to your own viewpoint.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all points made have clear links to your main argument. For example, while you mention social interactions, further linking this to how it may benefit or harm society would strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Consider enhancing the transition between paragraphs. For example, when you move from discussing social interactions to economic benefits, a transitional phrase could improve the flow.
coherence and cohesion
Your concluding statement is strong, but reiterating the main points briefly can make your conclusion more impactful and give it a sense of closure.
positive
Your essay presents a clear position throughout, which is commendable. You maintain a consistent viewpoint that is easy to follow.
positive
The use of a personal anecdote adds a nice touch and personalizes your argument. It helps to engage the reader effectively.
positive
Good organization of ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point related to your thesis statement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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