IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is argued that today's medication has several improvements, so
society
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 must take care more for older
people
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. In my opinion, I believe that the community will be able to handle the increase in the number of elderly
people
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 because there are a lot of technologies and many services to help them manage.
Firstly
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, many
people
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 know that the number of elderly
people
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 is increasing because the government has built a specific infrastructure
that is
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 more convenient than it was in the past.
Furthermore
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, young
people
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also
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 realise that they would like to put the first priority on any elderly persons.
For example
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, the underground in Thailand creates more extra seats, particularly for elderly
people
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 in order to travel conveniently. There are high numbers of adults and children who always see and let elderly
people
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 sit properly.
This
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 is why I feel that
society
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 can deal with the elderly community. Apart from
people
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 in
society
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, the government should provide health care services
such
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 as telemedicine, remote medication, video diagnosis, and so on.
This
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 is because elderly
people
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 tend to have more health problems.
Moreover
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, their family sometimes is very busy and does not have enough time to take care of their siblings.
For example
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, there are some specific organizations that search for elderly patients and bring them to receive suitable medication on time.
Thus
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, I think
this
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 solution can help elderly
people
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 so much. In conclusion, I realise that
society
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 is ready to cope with the growth of elderly
people
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 because they see a lot of improvements and progress in services.
Furthermore
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, there are more
people
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 who feel empathy and prevent elderly persons from any unexpected situations.
However
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, each country should provide the necessary facilities to manage the elderly community as well.

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Task Achievement
Consider expanding your introduction to clearly state your position on the topic and outline the main points you will discuss in your essay. This helps to set the context for the reader.
Task Achievement
While your ideas are clear, try to develop them further with more detailed explanations and examples. This will give your arguments more depth and make them more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your paragraphs are structured with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details. This will improve the overall flow and organization of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a smooth connection between your ideas and paragraphs. Using linking words or phrases can help reinforce the relationships between your points and improve cohesion throughout your essay.
Task Achievement
You have provided relevant examples to support your arguments, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main arguments and reiterates your position on the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aging population
  • strain
  • healthcare systems
  • pensions
  • social services
  • technological advancements
  • telemedicine
  • health-monitoring devices
  • community-based support
  • government policies
  • proactive measures
  • retirement age
  • pension reform
  • intergenerational cooperation
  • mental and emotional well-being
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