IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

19. Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if they can. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Few inhabitants consider it a great idea for elderly
individuals
Use synonyms
 to continue working if it is easy for them to do so. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 notion and will discuss my views in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with the view of agreement,
firstly
Linking Words
, self-dependency. To elaborate
this
Linking Words
, in the later years of life,
people
Use synonyms
 often become entirely dependent on their offspring for various needs
such
Linking Words
 as medications and clothing.
However
Linking Words
, if
individuals
Use synonyms
 of that age prefer to
work
Use synonyms
, they can avoid relying on their children.
For example
Linking Words
, a 2021 survey conducted by the World Health Organization (WHO) revealed that 40% of elderly
individuals
Use synonyms
 visiting government hospitals were paying their bills independently just because of the jobs they had in their later age.
As a result
Linking Words
, if older
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 at
this
Linking Words
 age, they can enjoy independence for an extended duration.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, another point of agreement is providing help to their younger colleagues.
In other words
Linking Words
, older
individuals
Use synonyms
 possess significant experience in the
work
Use synonyms
 field
as well as
Linking Words
 in life, which can benefit other members in the workplace and result in increased productivity.
For instance
Linking Words
, an article published in the famous newspaper Cable News Network in 2021 showed that during the COVID-19 pandemic, the annual turnover of multinational companies in India increased because their younger employees were able to acquire knowledge from older employees via video conferencing
while
Linking Words
 working from home.
Therefore
Linking Words
, older
people
Use synonyms
 could contribute their experience wisely to their junior co-workers. In conclusion, if older
people
Use synonyms
 decide to
work
Use synonyms
 in their later years, they not only get independence but
also
Linking Words
 can share their knowledge and experience with others.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your introduction sets the stage well, but consider rephrasing 'few inhabitants consider it a great idea' to something more clear, like 'Many people believe that it is beneficial for older individuals to continue working.' This will make your stance clearer from the start.
coherence and cohesion
In your paragraphs, ensure that each sentence transitions smoothly into the next. For instance, the connection between the first and second points could be enhanced by using transitional phrases like 'In addition to independence,' to guide the reader.
task response
You provided relevant examples, especially the survey from WHO and the article from CNN, which effectively support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points discussed, reinforcing your agreement with the idea of older individuals working.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: