IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that Art gives our lives meaning and purpose. Others believe that it is merely a distraction from real life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some say that art-related materials
such
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 as music and paintings have
such
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 an influence on our
lives
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 that they make our
lives
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 meaningful and fulfilled
while
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 others think that those things are nothing but something that can distract our attention from our
lives
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. Even though there are pros and cons to
this
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 topic, I support the former opinion because they can enhance the quality of
life
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 and offer a purpose in
life
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 with joy and happiness. It is true that things like music and paintings, related to
arts
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, are now ubiquitous, and some people feel that those are essential for them to make their
lives
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 filled with meaning and satisfaction.
For example
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, a public opinion poll conducted by NHK in Japan shows that those who are significant fans of a musician or an artist are more likely to enjoy their
life
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 including their hobbies and career,
thus
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 leading to a better quality of
life
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, compared to those who do not have any interest in the
arts
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. From
this
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 data, it is clearly seen that people find
life
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 with art more meaningful and satisfying. Turning to some disadvantages, one of them is that spending much more time than an adequate amount of time on
arts
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 can have a damaging effect on our
lives
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.
That is
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 because human beings tend to pay less attention to other things when concentrating on one field, which could imply that people spending their
lives
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 with extreme art-related interests tend to lose their self-control and can be easily affected by their interests.
For instance
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, a large number of fandoms who were obsessed with a Korean idol, Mumbin, committed
a
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suicide when he committed suicide in his apartment.
However
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, I believe that
this
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 can be mitigated if we promote social awareness of how important each
life
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 is through media. In conclusion, I think that the upsides to art outweigh the downsides because
although
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 excessive immersion in the
arts
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 can cause our
lives
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 to be ruined, living with what we like can provide our
lives
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 with meaning and goals, which can be more beneficial.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the different viewpoints you will discuss before stating your own opinion. This will help in guiding the reader through your argument.
task achievement
While you have included supporting examples, some of them could be expanded further to strengthen your argument. Provide more specific details or deeper analysis on how these examples support your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between your points. Transition phrases or sentences that link one idea to the next can enhance the clarity of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using a more formal tone consistently throughout your essay, as some phrases may sound conversational and could be rephrased for a more academic style.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is important for task response. You acknowledged that there are disadvantages to art while strongly supporting the positive aspects, demonstrating a balanced understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The use of a relevant example from a public opinion poll adds credibility to your argument, which can engage the reader and illustrate your points effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • aesthetic
  • cathartic
  • cultural tapestry
  • expressionism
  • fleeting
  • introspection
  • monetary value
  • nostalgia
  • profound impact
  • socioeconomic
  • subjective perspective
  • visceral response
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