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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that Art gives our lives meaning and purpose. Others believe that it is merely a distraction from real life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some contend that the Arts provide a hope of living with individuals,
while
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 others regard them as nothing but entertainment.
Although
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 there are pros and cons to
this
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 argument, I support the former statement because
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can enhance the quality of
life
Use synonyms
 and offer a purpose
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 with joy and happiness. It is widely acknowledged that recreations, including enjoying music and paintings, have been embedded in
this
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 modern society as a pivot of our everyday
lives
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.
This
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 is attributed to the attraction which these entertainments possess, and numerous people incorporate
such
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 leisure time into their stressful
lives
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,
such
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 as academics and work. Engaging in those activities can
accordingly
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 stimulate their motivation towards their studies and work
as a consequence
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.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a recent public poll, over 90% of residents in Hiroshima reported strong hope for
further
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 longevity of
life
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 with bliss owing to the historical monument of the tragedy that happened during the Second World War. Meanwhile, a certain number of people consider
such
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 objects a mere entertainment.
That is
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 to say, if the amount of time for these arts dominated our everyday
lives
Use synonyms
, we might end up going into a cycle of obsession, which could
also
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 seriously undermine our mental health. To exemplify
this
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, in 2022, when Korean media revealed the death of a Korean pop artist, Moon Bin, a large number of his avid fans committed suicide
due to
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 the grief of his disappearance.
However
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,
this
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 phenomenon can be mitigated if governments raise our awareness of addiction to these entertainments and parents and educators instil the upsides and downsides
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
such
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 activities. In conclusion, it is argued that artistic interests offer a purpose and meaning in
life
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.
Although
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 engrossment in
such
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 leisure may harm our psychological well-being, I insist that appreciation for art-related aesthetics can energise the public, leading to greater stimulation of our
lives
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Add a short intro that states the two views and your clear opinion.
task response
Make main ideas clear and build them with simple, real examples that relate to everyday life.
coherence
Each paragraph should have one main idea and a clear end sentence.
coherence
Use simple link words to show contrast and addition, and keep sentences short.
stance
The view is clear in the last part and you take a firm stance.
cohesion
There are linking words such as however and for example used.
evidence
You try to use real life examples to back up points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • aesthetic
  • cathartic
  • cultural tapestry
  • expressionism
  • fleeting
  • introspection
  • monetary value
  • nostalgia
  • profound impact
  • socioeconomic
  • subjective perspective
  • visceral response
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