IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that social media sites, such as Facebook or Twitter, have a negative impact on young people and their ability to form personal relationships. Others believe that these sites bring people together in a beneficial way.

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Some
people
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 say that it is harmful for children to use social
media
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 sites
such
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 as Facebook and Twitter because it might negatively harm their ability to foster personal relationships with other
people
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whereas
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 others think that the use of social
media
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 will provide the young with some benefits in terms of the relationships. I personally support the former opinion because even though technological advancements
such
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 as social
media
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 have
improved
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made
show examples
 our
communication
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 easier and faster than it was before, I think that young
people
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 tend to avoid interacting with each other face to face because of technological developments. It is certain that modern technology has led
people
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 to connect with each other with easier and faster access to the internet and they can now communicate with anyone all day long, which
also
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 can encourage them to have a connection with others, resulting in feeling safety and a sense of belonging to community.
Furthermore
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, with easier access to social
media
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, they can find someone who has the same hobbies or interests, which might enrich their life.
However
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, at the same time, I reckon that easier access to the Internet can discourage them from communicating in person, leading them to a lack of
communication
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 skills. Turning to the other aspect, some statistics have shown that over the past three decades, an increasing number of
people
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, especially the young, tend to prefer communicating on websites or social
media
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 over face-to-face
communication
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. The main cause of
this
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 is probably because of the development of technology. The advancement may reduce the amount of confidence of younger
people
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 to contact others in person,
thus
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 leading them to feel reluctant to communicate. In conclusion, I believe that
although
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 our
communication
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 style has become more convenient because of the progress of technology, those kinds of sites can be detrimental to the formation of interpersonal relationships among young
people
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.

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task achievement
While your argument is clear, providing more specific examples to support your points would strengthen your essay. Additionally, your points could benefit from further elaboration and clarity. Consider giving a real-world example or a statistic to back up your claims about young people's communication preferences. This will make your argument more persuasive.
coherence
Your essay has a logical structure and flows reasonably well, but there are some areas where the transitions could be smoother. Using linking phrases can help guide the reader and improve the overall flow of your essay. For instance, adding connectors at the beginning of your paragraphs can enhance coherence.
task achievement
You present a clear stance in your introduction and provide a well-structured conclusion that reiterates your main points.
coherence
Your use of complex sentences demonstrates a good command of the English language, allowing for expression of nuanced ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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