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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some parents buy their kids a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages of a child having a large number of toys?

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In
this
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 modern era, children possess a variety of
toys
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 to play with. Gone are the days when kids used to play with filthy dolls for years.
Although
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this
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 trend offers numerous benefits,
such
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 as enhancing productivity and developing skills, its drastic side effects cannot be neglected. Admittedly, playing games is the keystone of the learning process and a variety of
toys
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 can bring about numerous advantages. First and foremost, since each toy is intended to focus on a specific skill, different types can help the child to be versatile.
For instance
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, Sudoku is mainly designed to challenge our mathematical abilities,
while
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 playing with a ball improves the link between body and brain;
therefore
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, a child has to play with both of them.
Furthermore
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, a large number of
toys
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 help a kid to find their true desires and talents. In 2018, some Indian researchers discovered that youngsters often illustrate their natural aptitudes in music, painting and sports, through their childish games.
On the other hand
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, purchasing a large number of
toys
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 can have some negative impacts on children’s mental health. A significant problem is that too many items can be distractive, rather than educational.
In other words
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, since there are a lot of options, kids lose interest quickly and choose another one. It was found in a recent study at Harm University that teenagers with diverse facilities have shorter attention spans than their disadvantaged peers, who just have a few simple dolls. In summary,
although
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toys
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 play a significant role in children’s lives, the downsides of possessing a great number of them in their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and character should be considered.
Consequently
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, parents and children have to buy
toys
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 in moderation.

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task achievement
While the essay presents clear ideas, consider expanding on certain points for deeper insight, especially in the disadvantages section. Providing more examples or evidence could strengthen your argument.
coherence
Your transitions are generally smooth, but make sure to use varied linking words to enhance the flow of your essay, especially between points. Adding phrases like 'Moreover,' or 'In addition,' could help connect your ideas more effectively.
coherence
The introduction sets the stage well, but you may want to clarify your thesis statement by briefly summarizing the advantages and disadvantages listed in your essay. This can guide the reader more effectively.
coherence
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that frames your argument well. This helps the reader understand your overall position on the topic.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as Sudoku and the findings of Indian researchers, showcases your ability to incorporate relevant ideas that support your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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