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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the best way to reduce crimes is to apply longer prison sentences, other people think that there are better methods of doing so. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Over the course of the
last
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 decades, the
crime
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 rate has significantly increased worldwide.
While
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 some individuals still claim that imprisonment is the best method to mitigate criminal actions, it seems that other measures,
such
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 as rehabilitation and job opportunities, are far more effective. Admittedly, the
prison
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 sentence is an important way of controlling the
crime
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 rate. Perhaps the first reason that many people support longer sentences is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they deter potential criminals from becoming actual offenders.
In other words
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, the fear of spending years behind bars
,
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apply
show examples
 acts as a deterrent factor;
Therefore
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, people avoid committing crimes.
Furthermore
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, applying longer
prison
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 sentences will ensure that the rest of the community is safe. As prisoners are kept in a closed area, they cannot re-offend, given that other members of society can live in peace of mind.
Nevertheless
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, there are some better solutions that can reduce the amount of offences.
Firstly
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, criminals should be rehabilitated before returning to the society. Only keeping them in dark cells cannot make them a better person;
consequently
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, delinquents have to be trained so as to be ready for their future life out of
prison
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.
Secondly
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, since the majority of offences result from poverty, more job opportunities have a direct influence on the
crime
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 rate. As a tangible example, the government of Japan subsidized the companies that employed people, who had been in
prison
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 before.
This
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 action led to a rapid decline in the number of offences, in 2010. In summary,
although
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 imprisonment is a practical way of punishment, I highly believe that some other procedures, namely providing occupation and rehabilitating, can even be more effective in reducing the probability of committing a
crime
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.

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task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but try to ensure that each point is explicitly linked to the main argument to enhance clarity and understanding.
coherence cohesion
You can enhance coherence by using more varied linking phrases to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the main topic and presents both sides of the argument effectively, setting a good foundation for your essay.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the case of Japan, to support your argument, which adds depth to your discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • deterrent
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • community service
  • preventive measures
  • institutionalization
  • root causes
  • social inequality
  • educational programs
  • reintegration
  • mentorship
  • crime rates
  • punitive measures
  • criminal justice
  • alternative methods
  • opportunity for crime
  • investing in youth programs
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