IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Others believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Use synonyms
Age
Correct article usage
The age
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 to start
study
Wrong verb form
studying
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 for
children
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 and how long the
children
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 could enjoy
stay
Change the verb form
staying
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 at
home
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 and
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 has been debated
in
Change preposition
for
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years
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.
While
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 some people
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
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 learning can
be start
Change the verb form
be started
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 as soon as possible, others
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
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children
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 should enjoy their early
age
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 by exploring and
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 until six or seven
years
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 old.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and
Correct article usage
the writer
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writer
Change noun form
writer's
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 opinion. On one hand, there are two benefits kids stay at
home
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 and play until six or seven
years
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 old.
Firstly
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,
children
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 who stay at
home
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 can engage in imaginative play, which helps develop cognitive
skills
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 and creativity. For
examples
Fix the agreement mistake
example
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, there are a lot of toys and games in
modern
Add an article
the modern
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 era that
stimuluously
Correct your spelling
tumultuously
 enhance kids
to
Change preposition
apply
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quick problem-solving
skills
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 because require strategies that increase their creativity too.
Secondly
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,
children
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 who stay at
home
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also
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 can develop their
emotional
Replace the word
emotions
show examples
 from the caregivers and explore their environment.
For instance
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, kids learn the roles of family
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and understand their responsibilities in
family
Correct article usage
the family
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 and
also
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 in society.
Although
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, many people argue that secure
attatchments
Correct your spelling
attachments
attachment
 with family might cause
children
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have
Add the particle
to have
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 less social communication
skills
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 and not
independent
Add a missing verb
be independent
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.
On the other hand
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, people
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
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 sending
children
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 to
school
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Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
age
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promote
Correct subject-verb agreement
promotes
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 learning and social interaction.
This
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 improved their communication
skills
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 and
also
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develop
Wrong verb form
developed
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 their
independency
Replace the word
independence
show examples
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
age
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.
For example
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,
children
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 who start to go to
school
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Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
age
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 tend to be more
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
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 and calm rather than others who start
in
Change preposition
at
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 six or seven
years
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 old because sometimes
anxious
Replace the word
anxiety
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 might accompany
in
Correct pronoun usage
them in
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 starting
school
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. There were
also
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 scientific citied that
children
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 who learn
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
age
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 can be more adaptable because early exposure to diverse social settings
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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children
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 to be more flexible and
also
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enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
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 their tolerance. In my opinion,
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while start
Wrong verb form
starting
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 learning
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
age
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 might develop their ability in social communication
skills
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, understand their own role and develop problem-solving
skills
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while
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play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 at
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home
Add a verb
home is
home was
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also
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 important and necessary
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
age
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. Without emotional development, sending
children
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 to
school
Use synonyms
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
age
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 might cause stress and less
emphaty
Correct your spelling
emphasis
to communicate
Change preposition
on communicating
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 with social
peer
Fix the agreement mistake
peers
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 which might
pressured
Change the verb form
pressure
show examples
children
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 during interaction with others.
To sum up
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,
children
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 can benefit from the combination of both environments. A play-based curriculum in preschool allows
children
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 to learn through play
while
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also
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 receiving some education to prepare them for the future or formal education form.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Improve sentence structure and grammar for clarity, especially in the introduction and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Ensure that every main point is clearly developed and supported with specific examples or reasoning.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
You presented both views on the topic, which is essential for a well-rounded discussion.
Task Achievement
You included relevant examples for most points, which supports your arguments effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • emotional development
  • cognitive development
  • secure attachments
  • imaginative play
  • problem-solving skills
  • creativity
  • structured environment
  • academic readiness
  • language skills
  • social interaction
  • anxiety
  • diverse social settings
  • social skills
  • play-based curriculum
  • independence
  • working parents
  • educational setting
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