IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some believe that people today have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that we preserve a traditional way of life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Some
people
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 think that in
this
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 modern society,
people
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 are uninterested in conserving the cultures of their own nation or area
while
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 others say that we should keep our traditional
culture
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 for our
lives
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.
Although
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 the world is changing little by little and
technology
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 is now commonplace in our
lives
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, I believe that it is still essential for us to protect our conservative norms for the sake of being who we are. To start with, technological progress
such
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 as smartphones has contributed to our well-being in our everyday
lives
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, which resulted in having a significant impact on our
communication
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.
That is
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 to say,
this
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 kind of
technology
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 allows us to connect with a large number of
people
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 anytime from the world. To illustrate
this
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,
according to
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 a survey conducted by the Japanese government in 2018, 90% of residents living in Japan whose ages ranged from 20 to 65 said that their
communication
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 style improved a lot not only in their private time but
also
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 at work, leading them to become more productive than ever before.
However
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, simultaneously,
this
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 development actually has decreased
people
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’s
communication
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 skills. Turning to some positive aspects of protecting our traditional
culture
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, our original
communication
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 tool is a language, which is essential for our
communication
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 and is inextricably connected with our
culture
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.
This
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 cultural element can contribute to avoiding a reduction in our
communication
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 ability.
For instance
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, some statistics broadcast in the NHK News said that there are fewer misunderstandings at work when talking about some important business sales via face-to-face meetings compared to when they talk via online meetings. From
this
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 example, the traditional way to interact with
people
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 is more reliable and less insecure than counting on
technology
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. In conclusion, it is argued that traditional
culture
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 should be preserved all the time even if some
people
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 care very little. Even though
technology
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 has allowed us to live our
lives
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 more efficiently and more easily, I think that what our ancestors have cherished since ancient times is not replaceable by technological advancement.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents both views clearly, but it could be stronger in stating your specific opinion more clearly. The thesis statement can be more direct.
coherence and cohesion
In your body paragraphs, aim to link each idea more clearly back to your main argument. This will improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
It would help if you included a counter-argument to show that you consider the other side fully. It balances the discussion and strengthens your point.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion in your conclusion, which restates your main points well.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the survey from Japan and NHK News statistics, support your ideas and add credibility.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • globalization
  • traditional customs
  • cultural heritage
  • personal identity
  • community identity
  • folk traditions
  • cultural roots
  • cultural preservation
  • societal norms
  • modern influences
  • cultural evolution
  • intergenerational transmission
  • cultural significance
  • relevance of traditions
  • identity formation
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