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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your opinion.

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Today in order to
develoap
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develop
 technology skills, many parents allow their kids to work with tech devices
such
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 as
computers
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 and tablets.
Although
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 it can have a negative effect on
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children
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’s physical activity, it positively affects their innovation and
access
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 to
information
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. In my view, the
advantages
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 of allowing
children
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 to play on
computers
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 outweigh its drawbacks.
This
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 essay will explain both aspects of
this
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 matter. One of the main
advantages
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 of playing
children
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 on
computers
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 is
access
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 to
information
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. Today every computer has changed into a massive library tank to the internet and can provide any data that the user needs.
For example
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, Wikipedia as an online free library is considered a valid reference by people around the world. The next advantage of playing
children
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 on
computers
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 is inspiring innovations. It is proved that the more
information
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 people have, the more innovative they can think because one of the best ways to develop a new idea is
combining
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by combining
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of
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apply
show examples
available
information
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.
For instance
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, screenwriters at Disney have gotten help from AI to write more innovative stories since 2020.
Therefore
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, easier
access
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 to
information
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 and inspiring innovation are two of the most important
advantages
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 of
children
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 using
computers
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. But one of the most important challenges of
this
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 matter is decreasing in
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children
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’s activities which can affect their adulthood health. It is an undeniable fact that
children
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 who use
computers
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 have less physical activity because
computers
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 and their games are so attractive to
children
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. In Iran,
For instance
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, new
children
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 prefer to play FIFA against playing football with their friends.
Consequently
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, there are disadvantages to
allow
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allowing
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children
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 to play on
computers
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. In conclusion, increasingly parents are permitting their kids to use
computers
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 and other digital devices.
While
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 there are some drawbacks
such
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 as less
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children
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’s physical activity,
computers
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 can inspire
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children
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’s innovations and give them
access
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 to
information
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
I think there are more
advantages
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 than disadvantages.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction sets up the discussion well, but try to clearly separate your opinion from the main points you will discuss in the essay. It can make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
In your body paragraphs, try to include more specific examples or facts to strengthen your points. While you provided some examples, they could be more detailed to support your arguments better.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your concluding statement clearly summarizes your opinion and the key points of your essay. This helps reinforce your argument and leaves a clear impression on the reader.
task achievement
You clearly identified both advantages and disadvantages of allowing children to use technology, which shows a balanced view of the topic.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as Wikipedia and Disney's screenwriters, shows an effort to relate real-world scenarios to your argument, which is commendable.
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