IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some say that the most important thing about being rich is that one has the opportunity to help others. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Having an opportunity to help
people
Use synonyms
 is the most significant component of being rich in the view of some individuals,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that some sides
such
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 as contributing
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the national
economy
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more important.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss why I slightly disagree and believe there are other important things rather than helping
people
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, individuals state that helping others is the most important advantage of being rich. They argue that when
people
Use synonyms
 are millionaires, they can figure
people
Use synonyms
’s
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 out
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their money, the work that other
people
Use synonyms
 are not able to do
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. Establishing a charity or feeding poor kids,
for instance
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, are two
volantrial
Correct your spelling
volunteer
 activities that millionaires usually do.
Although
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 I admire
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of activities, I think they are not as big as
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
millionaires’ abilities.
On the other hand
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,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 argue that being rich opens a window to play a more active role in the national
economy
Use synonyms
. They believe that rich
people
Use synonyms
 can positively impact
this
Linking Words
 by investing
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
infrastructures
Fix the agreement mistake
infrastructure
show examples
.
For example
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, Mr. Fazli, one of the richest Iranians, had invested
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
dairy
Add an article
the dairy
a dairy
show examples
 industry which created more than thirty
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 job opportunities in the
last
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 year. I think
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 contribution not only helps other
people
Use synonyms
 to find a job easier
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
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 can strengthen the national
economy
Use synonyms
 in a comprehensive view. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 individuals argue that the most important advantage of being rich is the opportunity to help others, I think having an opportunity to contribute more
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the national
Use synonyms
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 development is more significant.

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What works well

2
Coherence and Cohesion

Well-structured introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position on the topic.

Task Achievement

Relevant examples, such as Mr. Fazli’s investments, that illustrate your points effectively.

Improvement Suggestions

2
Task Achievement

Expand on your main points to provide a more comprehensive discussion. For example, you might include counterarguments to strengthen your position and show a fuller perspective on the issue.

Coherence and Cohesion

Consider using more cohesive devices to guide the reader through your arguments. This could include phrases like 'moreover', 'however', and 'in addition'.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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