IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that children should be allowed to use mobile phones. While others think that phones have a negative effect on their development. Discuss both views.

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Nowadays, it is argued by some people that parents allow to
use
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 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 at an early age.
While
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 others claim that mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 have a negative effect on
children
Use synonyms
's psychology. In
this
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 essay, I will look into both views on
this
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 matter and give my opinion with suitable instances. On the
one
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 hand, people in favour of
children
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 have valid reasons for that. First of all, various games in social media have a "reward system".
In other words
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, if
children
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 win any
one
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 game, they are given levels, medals, bonuses and gifts. These rewards make them feel like a winner.
As a result
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, they learn to strive for the future.
Secondly
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, attractive graphics and sounds motivate infants to adapt to society.
That is
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 to say,
children
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 feel comfortable among people.
For example
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,
according to
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 statistics, 54% of
children
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 who play visual games and
use
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 gadgets integrate into society more easily than others.
On the other hand
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, there are some arguments for other opinions put forward by specialists.
One
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 of the arguments is that infants aged 3-8 years old may become addicted to
phones
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.
That is
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 to say,
this
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 dependency can lead to negative results
such
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 as sleep problems and reduced attention spans.
For instance
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, a child who is under seven years old spends 3 hours using
phones
Use synonyms
 during the day, and he has sleep problems.
Moreover
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, playing many online games and staring at the screen for a long time can lead to irritability, anger and eye diseases.
For example
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,
one
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 of my friends says that her vision deteriorated by staring at the phone screen for a long time. After that, she passes medical eye exams on a regular basis.
To sum up
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,
although
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 there are a few benefits of allowing
children
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 to
use
Use synonyms
phones
Use synonyms
,personally I think
phones
Use synonyms
 have a negative impact on a group's mental health.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents the topic well, but it could more clearly outline what your essay will discuss. Consider rephrasing it to flow better and give a clearer roadmap for your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
While your paragraphs mainly focus on one idea, ensure that each is fully developed with clear topic sentences. Make sure that transitions connect your thoughts more smoothly, improving the overall flow.
task achievement
When providing examples, ensure they are specific and elaborate on how they relate to the points made. For instance, explaining the implications of the statistics you mention can enhance your argument.
task achievement
Your use of statistics and examples to support your claims is a strong point, providing a foundation for your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay with clear paragraphs makes it easy to follow, which is great for coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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