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Band 5.5

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane . Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevemt

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane . Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevemt
This
Linking Words
 graph displays a
sugar
Use synonyms
process
Use synonyms
 from start to
last
Linking Words
 with several stages.
Overall
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
process
Use synonyms
 consists of 7 key stages and each of them has various contributions to producing
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
.All 7 levels require different materials and tools to do something.The first
process
Use synonyms
 starts with
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of
sugar
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canes
Use synonyms
 about approximately 12-18 months and the
last
Linking Words
 stage covers drying and cooling levels of
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,after finishing the growing of
canes
Use synonyms
,it is attracted to the harvesting
process
Use synonyms
 by 2 methods:a labour and a tractor.Collaboration of these 2 factors brings the
canes
Use synonyms
 to a crushing level.During
this
Linking Words
process
Use synonyms
,
canes
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 are turned into juice by special equipment.After a
while
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 liquid carries to the purifying procedure.
Then
Linking Words
,juice filters through a limestone machine.
Moreover
Linking Words
,the
last
Linking Words
 3 stages engage with preparing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the finished product.In the fifth stage,the evaporator tries to convert juice to syrup
over
Change preposition
at
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 a high temperature.Before
completed
Change the form of the verb
completing
show examples
 the whole
process
Use synonyms
,it needs to split all crystal pieces of
sugar
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 from the syrup.
Lastly
Linking Words
,the seventh stage just focuses on drying and
then
Linking Words
 cooling
sugar
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sugar, process, canes with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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