IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many individuals believe that
pollution
Use synonyms
 is the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
illness and disease,
also
Linking Words
governments
Use synonyms
 have to take steps to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem by
prevent of
Wrong verb form
preventing
show examples
pollution
Use synonyms
. From my perspective, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 notion because
governments
Use synonyms
 have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
major control of their countries. I think
this
Linking Words
 is
useful
Correct article usage
a useful
show examples
 idea because
pollution
Use synonyms
 undoubtedly is a bad factor that
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to
plentty
Correct your spelling
plenty
issues
Change preposition
of issues
show examples
 but to avoid going out of the topic, it causes namerous of diseases which makes solving
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 crucial.
Consequently
Linking Words
, if
governments
Use synonyms
 principle strict rules the issue would clearly decrease.
For example
Linking Words
, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 have weak
governments
Use synonyms
pollution
Use synonyms
 often
be rise
Wrong verb form
rises
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, people
also
Linking Words
 carry a heavy amount of responsibility to
maintain
Verb problem
keep
show examples
 their spaces clear and cover their
mouth
Fix the agreement mistake
mouths
show examples
 if they have a cough. But these things cannot apply in a community without legal intervention that makes humans commit to the
insractures
Correct your spelling
fractures
contractures
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Saudi Arabia, there is a law that says if anyone throws their trash on a street there are cameras
will
Correct pronoun usage
that will
show examples
 take a photo of the person
then
Linking Words
 they have to pay a fee. Personally, I believe
this
Linking Words
 law has been reducing
pollution
Use synonyms
 which makes separating illness more slowly. For these motivations, I really accept
this
Linking Words
 concept and I support that
governments
Use synonyms
 have abilities to do several things to stop or at least reduce environmental
pollution
Use synonyms
, residents cannot do them solely. Even if locals decide to help they need some laws to force all to follow them.
Finally
Linking Words
, I strongly agree and I hope
governments
Use synonyms
 can find effective solutions to
be
Verb problem
make
show examples
 the world more safer place.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Your introduction outlines a clear perspective, but it could benefit from a more direct statement of your main argument. Try to clearly indicate your stance immediately at the beginning. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to improve overall flow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are unclear and can confuse the reader, especially in complex ideas. Aim for clearer sentence structures and avoid long, convoluted sentences. Breaking them into shorter phrases can enhance readability.
task achievement
While you provide relevant examples, they could be better integrated into the argument. Use transitions to show how examples support your main points more convincingly and ensure that the examples clearly relate back to your thesis.
task achievement
Consider revising phrases for clarity and correctness. For example, replace 'the main reason of illness' with 'the main cause of illness' and 'prevent of pollution' with 'prevent pollution'. These small adjustments can enhance the professionalism of your writing.
task achievement
You demonstrate a clear understanding of the issue and express a strong opinion, which is essential for this type of essay.
task achievement
Your use of examples, especially regarding specific laws in Saudi Arabia, illustrates your points well and shows real-world implications of the discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: