IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some believe that people will purchase a product based on their needs and advertising is not needed. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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It is thought that individuals buy those products that they need,
thus
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 advers is not necessary . I completely agree with
this
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 opinion and in
this
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 essay, I will state the reasons for
this
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. The most compelling reason for holding to my view is that advertising manipulates
people
Use synonyms
.Advertisements are made in a way which
affect
Change the verb form
affects
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people
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's emotions,
for example
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, advertisers persuade customers that purchasing a product will make them happier .
Furthermore
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, they use scarcity tactics to encourage buying
this
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,
in other words
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, they
said
Wrong verb form
say
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 only a few products are left.
Consequently
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,
people
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 purchase objects that they really do not need and they buy because it is
trend
Add an article
a trend
the trend
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. Another reason for my position is that some ads are highly harmful to be marketed. Cigarette marketing is a proper example of
this
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, when advertisers market
such
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 unhealthy
things
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, more
people
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 want to buy them
therefore
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 it has resulted in general well-being.
As a result
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 , some developed countries
such
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 as
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
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 put censors on these harmful products.
Additionally
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, purchasing
things
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 may put
people
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, namely adults because they can not control their
desire
Fix the agreement mistake
desires
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, under financial crisis. When they see a reclaim on television for a
high status
Add a hyphen
high-status
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 brand , they may purchase it without thinking they have enough money or not.
For example
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 , there are some websites where
people
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 can borrow pins to buy
things
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, and after they have to return the money with rent,
As a consequence
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 , they may face many financial compliance. In conclusion, I totally agree
people
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 do not need adverts. They persuade
people
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 to purchase
things
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 which are unhealthy or harmful . Given the situation, it is recommended that ads should be regulated

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What works well

2
task achievement

Your argument is clear and you successfully express your agreement with the idea that advertising is not necessary.

task achievement

You demonstrate an understanding of the potential negative impacts of advertising, which adds depth to your essay.

Improvement Suggestions

2
coherence and cohesion

Improve the logical structure of your essay. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it with evidence or examples. Try to link ideas within and between paragraphs more effectively.

task achievement

Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

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