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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that too much parental pressure over children's academic performance has negative impacts on their development. Others think otherwise, saying that parental pressure can bring children more success at school. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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There has been a heated debate over whether parental
pressure
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 over kids' academic performance does more harm than good or not.
This
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 essay will discuss both views before concluding that I am on the prior side. On the one hand, parental
pressure
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 on
children
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's education should be considered
as
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apply
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beneficial for kids.
First,
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it
instills
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instils
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 discipline in
children
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, facilitating
a positive study habits
Correct the article-noun agreement
positive study habits
a positive study habit
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. It is a psychological phenomenon that kids like playing rather than studying for its relaxing benefits. With parental
pressure
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, they may be
fostered
Verb problem
forced
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 to study harder and achieve better results. A pertinent example of
this
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 is that
parents
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 with
pressure
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 and clear rules
such
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 as limiting distractions are said to educate better
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 with outstanding performance than those who do not.
Second,
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this
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 can help
children
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 to set clear goals for their future.
Children
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 can find their hobbies among
parents
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' expectation and hopes, which can aid them in navigating themself in
this
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 world.
On the other hand
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, some advocates, myself included, argue that parental
pressure
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 on
children
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 may do a great disservice.
To begin
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 with, excessive
pressure
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 can render
children
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 more prone to collapse. When driven by a continuous fear of failure and disappointment, they may become emotionally and physically exhausted, ultimately losing motivation and interest in their studies. A classic demonstration of
this
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 is the Chinese and some Asian countries' educational systems. Let's look at the case with China. Individuals can clearly see students
exhausting
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exhausted
show examples
 and
cloud
Wrong verb form
clouded
show examples
 with homework.
This
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 is believed to
be stem
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stem
show examples
 from
parents
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'
expectation
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expectations
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 and
pressure
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 because
notwithstanding
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, notwithstanding
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 the difficulties of the Chinese university entrance exams, universities are the way to open
with
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apply
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opportunities and help them get away with poverty. In conclusion,
however
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 beneficial it may seem, parental
pressure
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 has numerous negative consequences on
children
Use synonyms
's enhancement. It is believed that
parents
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 should not put too much
pressure
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 on
children
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 and just educate them about what they like and what can be practically applied.

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What works well

1
task achievement

You have a clear opinion stated in your introduction and a structured format that includes both viewpoints, which is commendable.

Improvement Suggestions

2
task achievement

Expand on your ideas with more detailed examples and explanations. Provide more depth to your arguments.

coherence and cohesion

Use linking words and phrases more effectively to enhance the logical flow of your essay. This will help in clarity and connection between ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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