IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message.

In different parts of the
world
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world,
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 parents raise their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
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 with the thought that working hard is the key to
achieve
Wrong verb form
achieving
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 their dream life.
This
Linking Words
 essay will show that
after
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 instruction
children
Use synonyms
 grow up being responsible and hardworking, but, at the same time, having mental disorders. On the one hand, exhortations about dedication and determination
makes
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make
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 them more disciplined. When young
people
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 are given
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
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 about being dedicated and doing their best, they learn self-control and it is easier for them to solve any problems in adult life. As an example, here could be provided Japan.
People
Use synonyms
 here are told to be responsible and hardworking from their childhood and they are considered as the most diligent
cityzens
Correct your spelling
citizens
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, these words make some
children
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 non-confident and mentally unstable. When
children
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 are raised in strict families and always expected to show high results, they become permanently depressed and stressed out.
For instance
Linking Words
, the rating of mental disorders and suicidal
behavior
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behaviour
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 in Japan is the highest among young
people
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. In conclusion, teaching
people
Use synonyms
 from their youth to work hard makes
children
Use synonyms
 more responsible and adaptable in future, but
also
Linking Words
 could lead to problems with mental health

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task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and provides a thesis statement, which is good. However, you might consider rephrasing the thesis for clarity. For example, stating that there are both advantages and disadvantages will explicitly state your stance.
coherence and cohesion
Try to ensure that your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points discussed in the essay. Reiterate the balanced view regarding the advantages and disadvantages without introducing new ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences could be more clearly linked. Use more cohesive devices (like 'Furthermore', 'Additionally', etc.) to create smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for coherence.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples, particularly regarding Japan, effectively illustrates your points about discipline and mental health issues.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
What to do next:
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