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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

People have always imagined living in a perfect society, but there is no clear agreement on what that would look like. What do you think is the most important factor in creating a perfect society? How can we make this ideal society a reality?

Living
a
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in a
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utopia might be the dream possessed by the majority of human beings. In order to achieve a picture of an ideal society, a plethora number of life aspects should be considered including economic status,
education
Use synonyms
 opportunities, fair treatment, and equal rights to explore resources. In my opinion, equal opportunity to access
education
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 is one of the important things for an ideal society. Many people have proven that
education
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 is the best way to change someone’s life path including their economic situation.
This
Linking Words
 is because
education
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 becomes an important foundation for developing someone’s character and skills which might affect his/her future.
Thus
Linking Words
, fair access to good quality
education
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 is a necessity. It is an undeniable fact that many provinces outside Java Island are experiencing a lack of numbers in schools and teachers.
For instance
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, a village named Ohoiwerka on a small island called Kei Besar, Southeast Molucca, has only one primary school which is insufficient to support at least 100 pupils. The above-mentioned condition could be ideal if 3 levels of
education
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 ranging from primary to senior high schools are available for learning activities in a village or two neighbouring villages at least. By referring Article 31(1) of the 1945 Constitution, it mandates that every Indonesian citizen has the right to
education
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.
This
Linking Words
 should be the responsibility of the Ministry of
Education
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, which regulates the
education
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 system in Indonesia. The
authoritiy
Correct your spelling
authority
 is responsible
to manage
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for managing
show examples
 the
education
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 opportunities so that all Indonesian young generation
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 access
the
Correct article usage
an
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 equal standard of primary 12-year
education
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. A national budget
for
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apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
 should prioritize
education
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 infrastructures in small islands.
Moreover
Linking Words
, teachers’ well-being is needed to be addressed, so that teachers in remote areas feel cared for by the government.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it might be challenging to make an ideal society but through fairness in
education
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 opportunity, it might be achieved. Good management and regulation from the national authorities are required to warrant the wellness of the
education
Use synonyms
 system.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your main point in the introduction to better guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words (e.g., furthermore, in addition) to improve the flow of your arguments between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Consider expanding on your points with more examples or explanations to strengthen your arguments and provide a deeper understanding.
content
The essay presents a relevant and insightful opinion on the importance of education in creating an ideal society.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured your paragraphs logically, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • utopia
  • equity
  • sustainability
  • inclusivity
  • community engagement
  • social justice
  • opportunity
  • empowerment
  • economic stability
  • environmental protection
  • laws and policies
  • quality education
  • social cohesion
  • ideal society
  • citizen participation
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