IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that government should financially support retired people others feel that those who have retired pay to support themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #support
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After crossing the age of 60
people
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 need more attention and financial support. Certain individuals believe that it is the responsibility of the country's ministry to fulfil their needs.
However
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, on the same scale, others argue that they should pay for their basic commodities on their own.
This
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 essay will discuss both viewpoints and give my opinion.
To begin
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 with, the government should provide assistance to older
people
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 especially those who retired from the army because they spent half of their
life
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 for the nation.
Moreover
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, at present, medical intervention and medicine are expensive and elderly citizens need to include more medicine in their daily routine to live a longer
life
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.
For instance
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,
people
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 like clerks, garbage collectors, gardeners and cleaners have done a lot for society at an early age.
Therefore
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, it is indispensable for them to allocate some amount of money on a monthly basis. So, they can live their
life
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 without any financial stress.
On the contrary
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, it is irrefutable that financial stability has played a vital role in human
life
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 because
due to
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this
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people
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 can live and afford
life
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 necessities on their own.
Furthermore
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, it is incorrect to completely rely on the government for basic commodities.
For example
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, my grandparents opened a joint account after their marriage and saved some money in it. Now after retirement, they go to different places and enjoy themselves independently.
To conclude
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, it is the responsibility of the state that they should impart the society pupil with a financial support. I opine that completely depending on the government for small things is not right.
Therefore
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, it is better to save some money in their early years of
life
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 to ameliorate their future and upcoming years.
Submitted by seharfazal9 on

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Task Response
Ensure a balanced discussion of both views before stating your opinion. This strengthens the argument and shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to develop more complex sentence structures to improve coherence. This can make your arguments more sophisticated and easier to follow.
Language
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas. This can add depth to your essay and better demonstrate your language skills.
Introduction & Conclusion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively framed your essay's argument.
Supported Main Points
You used relevant examples to support your points, which helped to clarify your arguments.
Logical Structure
Your essay maintained a logical structure, making your arguments easy to follow.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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