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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people today spend most of their free time watching TV series or movies instead of going out. Do you think this is right or wrong?

A plethora of individuals nowadays most of their spare
time
Use synonyms
 watching TV series or movies
instead
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 of spending
time
Use synonyms
 outside. In my opinion, I believe
that is
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 wrong.
However
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, I will discuss
this
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further
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.
To begin
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 with, there is an ongoing debate regarding, whether people spend their holidays watching shows and movies or going out. To elaborate, in today's era
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work life is so hectic and to overcome
this
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 issue people are more inclined towards entertainment rather than site-view.
For example
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, an article came out in a BBC survey that most of the masses are spending their free
time
Use synonyms
 at home watching shows because these are very engaging
as well as
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 they are saving their energy and fuel not to go out
also
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,
that is
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 for their mental peace.
Hence
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, by
this
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, they are saving money
as well as
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 they are having fun in their own space.
On the other hand
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, staying home and wasting
time
Use synonyms
 looking at the screen could become a major issue
such
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 as eye problems and muscle pain. To explain my view, those who sit in the same place for more than 8 hours and look at the screen are facing these health issues.
For instance
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, a survey conducted by
National
Correct article usage
the National
show examples
 Health Care Center that 45 per cent of people are coming with the same issue.
As a result
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, they lose their eyesight or permanent back pain.
Thus
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, to overcome
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
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 problem they
got
Verb problem
were
show examples
 suggested to go out and spend their
time
Use synonyms
 outside. In conclusion, offering my position, there are convincing arguments that it is very important to spend
time
Use synonyms
 outside
instead
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sitting
Change preposition
of sitting
show examples
 at home watching TV series or movies.
Therefore
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, it will improve their mental
as well as
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 physical health.

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task achievement
Clarify your thesis statement in the introduction by explicitly stating the reasons why you believe it is wrong to spend free time watching TV shows instead of going out.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea you will discuss. This helps guide the reader and enhances coherence.
task achievement
Use more specific examples and statistics to support your claims. For example, instead of mentioning a vague article from the BBC, consider summarizing the findings or providing a specific statistic that highlights the issue more concretely.
coherence and cohesion
Introduce a clearer transition between the first point about the convenience of watching TV and the second point about health issues to improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
You presented a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument before expressing your opinion, which is commendable.
coherence and cohesion
Your vocabulary is quite varied and you made good use of complex sentences, which shows a good level of proficiency in language use.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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