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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that celebrating personal events is a waste of money. Others feel that these celebrations play an important role in the lives of individuals and in society as a whole. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

One school of thought considers that
celebration
Correct article usage
the celebration
show examples
 of individual
events
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as birthdays, anniversaries, accomplishments etcetera are
Correct article usage
a totally
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totally
Change the word
total
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 waste of money. But another school of thought believes that it is required to build a strong relationship among family members and at the community level too. I will explain both sides
along with
Linking Words
 my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs.
Firstly
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, I will explain the benefits of celebrating personal occasions. Celebrating the special day of a family member expresses the care, and love of family towards that person which will ultimately build or improve the emotional bond among them.
Additionally
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, in
this
Linking Words
 busy lifestyle, through
celebrations
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,
people
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 have a good time to spend with their loved ones
,
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apply
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 and rejuvenate themselves by getting out of their daily routines.
Furthermore
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, we all are social beings, we are living in societies, and working with them, so there must be a good understanding and co-operation among them,
Hence
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,
celebrations
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 are a perfect time when pupils get the opportunity to meet each other in social gatherings, share their joys and important achievements with them, which proves fruitful to maintain harmony in neighbourhood.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 linked private
celebrations
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 to the unnecessary use of savings. The foremost reason is that, in
this
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 gimmick world,
people
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 are celebrating their own times as grand functions. In each family, generally, 4-6
people
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 are living, which means at least 4-6 grand ceremonies each year would cost a lot to them. More concerning is its impact on the society. As a part of society, other
people
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 living in the surroundings are
also
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 expected to have similar
celebrations
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, resulting in, some families indulging in financial debt because they cannot afford
such
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 grand parties, but to survive in the communities they have to unwillingly perform
such
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 activities.
People
Use synonyms
 who are opposed
of
Change preposition
to
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 celebrating individual
events
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 are actually in favour of celebrating social
events
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such
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 as religious or cultural festivals, where
people
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 can contribute and enjoy together which saves the societies from additional expenses and would help to create real social bonds between them. In conclusion, I would wrap up my essay with my opinion by saying that even though public functions are a wise choice to save money and eliminate the burden of private parties, personal
events
Use synonyms
 can not be removed completely from the societies as these are
also
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 important to show respect and affection towards others,
however
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, pupils should celebrate them in a simple and decent manner ensuring everyone could celebrate their personal times free of worries.

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task achievement
The introduction presents both views adequately, but could be more engaging. Try to rephrase for better clarity and excitement to hook the reader from the beginning.
coherence
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas. Phrases like 'On the other hand' are good, but try adding more linking words to improve coherence.
task achievement
You provided a balanced discussion of both views, which is commendable, showcasing your understanding of the topic.
coherence
Your arguments regarding the emotional and social benefits of celebrations were well articulated, making a strong case for your viewpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • lavish parties
  • essential expenditures
  • financial stress
  • lasting memories
  • social bonds
  • emotional support
  • familial and social ties
  • mental health
  • community cohesion
  • cultural heritage
  • sense of identity
  • traditional practices
  • sense of belonging
  • continuity
  • unique cultural aspects
  • personal well-being
  • routine
  • life satisfaction
  • reasonable budget
  • cost-effective
  • potluck parties
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