IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the health care system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are potential reasons (is mean cause) for this, and what are some of the long-term effects.

Despite significant advancements in
healthcare
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 systems across developed nations, there has been a noticeable decline in the
overall
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 physical
health
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 of their populations.
This
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 essay will explore the possible causes behind
this
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 paradox and examine some of the long-term consequences. One of the main reasons for declining physical
health
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 in developed countries is the widespread adoption of sedentary lifestyles.
Due to
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 technological advancements, people now spend a large portion of their day sitting—whether working at desks, commuting, or using electronic devices at home.
This
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 lack of physical activity reduces cardiovascular fitness and contributes to obesity, back problems, and poor posture.
For instance
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, many office workers remain seated for over eight hours a day, and rather than engaging in outdoor exercise, they often unwind by watching TV or scrolling through social media. A significant long-term effect of poor physical
health
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 is the increasing pressure on public
healthcare
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 systems. As more people suffer from chronic illnesses
such
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 as diabetes, heart disease, and obesity-related conditions, hospitals and clinics become overwhelmed, leading to longer waiting times and higher medical costs.
For example
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, in countries like Australia , the National
Health
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 Service Directory (NHSD) has seen a steady rise in admissions for preventable lifestyle-related diseases, which places a heavy financial burden on the system. To summarise,
although
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healthcare
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 systems in developed countries have improved significantly,
however
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, inactivity and unhealthy lifestyles continue to undermine public
health
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 . If these trends are not addressed, they may lead to severe consequences, including increased pressure on
healthcare
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 services and a decline in
overall
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 quality of life.
Therefore
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, it is essential for both individuals and governments to focus more on prevention and healthy living habits to reverse
this
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 worrying trend.

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Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task and presents relevant arguments. However, consider expanding on the long-term consequences to enhance depth. For instance, discussing the impact on mental health or workforce productivity could provide a more comprehensive view.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with distinct paragraphs for each main point. However, there is a minor inconsistency in your conclusion—using 'however' disrupts the flow. A smoother transition could improve the readability.
Task Achievement
You provide specific examples which strengthen your arguments, such as the reference to office workers and Australia’s healthcare system. To further enhance this aspect, consider including a counterargument or alternative perspective to show a wider understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction clearly outlines the purpose of the essay, and you present relevant main points in a logical manner throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Your use of specific, relatable examples, such as the lifestyle of office workers and the situation in Australia, effectively illustrate your arguments.
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