IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many young children are spending large amount of time in front of screens. What are the causes of this and what other problems does it lead to?

These days it is observed that many young children have increased screen time which is leading to many disadvantages.
This
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 essay will discuss the root cause of
this
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 behaviour and what repercussions it has on young minds following which some solutions would
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 be given.
Firstly
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, exposure to physical activities is a very integral part of a
child
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's growth
however
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due to
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 parents having a busy schedule, they prefer to not encourage their
child
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 to go outside and interact with difficulties. The lack of supervision and time spent with family often hampers the cognitive development of a
child
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 which leads to intellectual degradation and a lack of confidence building.
Secondly
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, the restrictions on the content being produced for children are very less. Few reports on cartoon television shows conclude that at the age of 3 years, around 60% of children in India spend 12 hours of their day in front of screens
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 highly animated visuals.
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 has resulted in abnormal behaviours which include feeling agitated or having no communication with teachers. In conclusion, the surge in using advanced technology for short-term entertainment gives the younger generation an escape that their underdeveloped minds cannot comprehend.
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 often results in a lack of interpersonal skills which form the foundation of their daily interactions and ability to solve small problems. Henceforth, boundaries should be put on the time spent by a
child
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 using any type of mobile, tablet or computer and stricter regulations should be put into action for authorising the outgoing content for the younger population.

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence to support your points, especially in discussing the impact on children's behavior due to screen time.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, helping the reader follow your arguments more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing certain sentences for improved clarity and grammatical accuracy, as some phrases may be slightly awkward or unclear.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which effectively sets the stage for your discussion.
task achievement
You raised important points about the implications of excessive screen time on children's development, showcasing an understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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